


Spare Me A Glance, My Dear Cornelia

by redchocopanda



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Best Friends, College, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Pining, Unrequited Love, adding the last two tags, specifically for that scene in chapter 2
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:22:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 39,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24660739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redchocopanda/pseuds/redchocopanda
Summary: “But now you will realize that I hope to leave no stone unturned that might bring me closer to her, and that is my intention:To go on loving herUntil in the end she loves me too.”-Excerpt from the letters of Vincent Van Gogh to his brother Theo about his unrequited love for Cornelia Adriana Vos-Stricker; November 3, 1881
Relationships: Kara Danvers & Lena Luthor, Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 54
Kudos: 229





	1. Un

**Author's Note:**

> I should be updating my other story 'Bleeding Heart' by now but turns out, the next chapter is undergoing changes and I'm still re-writing it. So for the meantime, I'm leaving the readers with this story I've written a month ago during one of those lazy afternoons thinking of Katie Mcgrath's pretty face. So instead of a notification for a new chapter only to turn out to be an apology for the delay (Sorry!) you can have this. I don't want to give you guys any false hopes.
> 
> For the new readers who have no idea what I'm talking about, Hi! I hope you enjoy this.

**Spare Me A Glance, My Dear Cornelia**

_I put my hand in the flame of the lamp and said, “Let me see her for as long as I can keep my hand in the flame”_

_But they blew out the lamp, I believe, and said, “You shall not see her.”_

_\--Excerpt from the letters of Vincent Van Gogh to his brother Theo about his unrequited love for Cornelia Adriana Vos-Stricker; May 14th 1882_

It’s no rumor how everybody looks up at Kara Danvers like she’s the sun. At Cotler Argo University, the popular soccer player would walk around the campus grounds like a hero coming back from war, wearing a brown jacket over a white shirt, fitted jeans paired with the latest expensive brand of sneakers. Sunglasses cover her brilliant blue eyes while her blonde locks swept to one side as she carries her dark blue sports bag. It looks heavy but she carries with so much ease as if it weighed a feather that no wonder women gush at her relentlessly. They also do everything to get her attention. But getting Kara Danvers’ attention is like trying to have a conversation in an ongoing rock concert. But despite having a reputation of being a playgirl, Kara isn’t swayed as quickly as everyone thinks. 

See, Kara does enter into casual hook-ups from time to time, especially after big games and during off season. That irresistible smile paired with those cerulean blue eyes and a friendly personality that immediately makes one at ease, Kara is a walking danger sign. And in case one ignores the risk of falling into her and wanting more than just a night, they would be devastated to find themselves getting piled in with the many others that befallen the same fate. Falling in love with Kara is easy. Getting into a relationship with her? A space mission to Mars gone wrong. In all fairness to the campus heartthrob, Kara makes sure she clearly states her intentions. Have her for the night, get tangled up in hours of pure pleasure then lose her before dawn breaks. End of story and on to the next book.

Simple, really. For those broken hearts? A tragedy. 

Which is why everyone envies Lena Luthor, the youngest heir to the Luthor fortune. One of the richest families in the country. The ice queen of Cotler Argo. Known not only for her divine beauty and signature straight black hair but for her intelligence with her top marks in all her major subjects. An intimidating figure to weak men who only wish to own her and a challenge to the adventurous women who desire to gain bragging rights. 

Overall, a vision to hold and an unachievable dream to many. 

Whenever she walks through hallways, everyone just gapes and sighs longingly. This afternoon she has opted for a much more devastating look, a black flowery blazer with the sleeves folded up her arms, a white blouse underneath it, tucked in a crimson red short skirt exposing her perfectly sculpted legs. Her designer wedges clacking against the tiles as she strides confidently, head held high with her aviator sunglasses, expensive hand bag and two cups of take-out coffee, delivered to her straight from the posh coffee shop across the campus. 

Lena keeps to herself most of the time and catching her attention is like trying to catch the wind. Nevertheless, everyone tries to be close to her because apparently, befriending a Luthor will get you far in life. At least, that’s what everyone believes to be true whenever they spot Kara Danvers, supposedly an art student, waiting patiently inside one of the labs of the science building, sitting on a chair with her head resting on top of her arms, laid out on one of the long tables. 

“You should’ve just gone straight home.” Lena says once she enters the lab, placing her bag down the table and taking out one of the coffee cups so she could place it next to a yawning Kara. 

The blonde stretches around languidly before happily taking the warm cup of what seems to be a milky concoction rather than a coffee drink whilst Lena takes a sip of her double shot macchiatto. 

“Do you still have to go to the library? I’m hungry,” Kara groans, throwing Lena her powerful weapons, puppy eyes and a pout, a hand reaching out to hold Lena’s wrist, pulling her closer that she is basically standing in between Kara’s legs. To anybody else, it would make their insides twist and melt. 

To Lena Luthor, it’s a regular occurrence that happens too many times enough not to shake her anymore. Still, she relents because a hungry Kara Danvers is close to collapsing, which is absurd given how strong her stamina in the field is, and Lena cannot carry a fully grown five foot six soccer athlete all the way back to their shared apartment off campus. It’s also the reason why she ordered coffee, to at least tame the beast rumbling inside Kara’s stomach. 

Sighing, she finally breathes out a, “C’mon let’s eat,” to a suddenly giddy Kara who eagerly gets up, carrying hers and Lena’s bag—despite Lena’s protests—before pulling the Luthor out of the lab by the hand. Of course, not anyone can just do this, be allowed to even be this close. Casually holding Lena’s hand or sling an arm around her shoulder, or pull her close by the waist. 

Nobody but Kara Danvers. 

So people speculate, because that’s the common thing everybody does when it comes to popular people, and they’ve unearthed a couple of things. Apparently, Kara comes from a simple family. They don’t have a billion-dollar company nor are they famous unlike the Luthors. The Luthors’ who, on the other hand, sponsor the university’s soccer team. The Luthors’ who gave that recommendation letter in behalf of Kara to one of the top universities in the country which has gotten her a full scholarship and was given the best dorm room in the campus only for her to have it cancelled the next day so she can move in with Lena’s penthouse suite off campus. All in all, the overall speculation sums up with Kara being Lena’s ‘pet’ or a ‘decoration’ rich people pay to make them look good. A fake trophy girlfriend. Because why would Lena even keep her when everyone knows that Kara sleeps with whoever she chooses.

Nevertheless, it’s still all just speculation and no one is bold enough to shove it on Lena’s face lest they want to face whole soccer team and Kara Danver’s wrath. Rumors have even been circulating of Lena’s ex-boyfriend back in high school getting a taste of Kara’s fist. They said he had to get facial surgery for it. There was even a lawsuit but when you are up against the powerful Luthors it’s basically a lost cause. 

So, everyone continues to wonder. 

Just who is Kara Danvers to Lena Luthor and why she favors her over everyone else? 

“You’ll be there right?” Kara asks before she munches on her basil chicken, cerulean blue eyes looking at Lena intently.

“Do I have a choice?” she asks monotonously as she dips her spoon in the bowl of noodle soup. 

“Of course you do but please bear in mind that I’ll be _slightly_ disappointed _if_ you say no,” Kara cheekily replies before taking a spoonful of Lena’s Pad Thai. 

“Seriously, why do I even bother?” Lena mutters as Kara laughs.

“Because you love me? Your dear best friend. Your favorite person in the whole wide world! And before you even say it, I _do_ love you and all your pretty little habits… even if you make me eat disgusting leaves.” Kara scrunches her face with the thought.

“Flattery will get you nowhere and those _leaves_ are for your own health.” Lena counters.

“Flattery gets me everywhere,” Kara slyly says with a smirk. “In a lot of beds, to be exact.”

Lena’s face scrunches in disgust, “Please, not in front of my Pad Thai,” she mockingly implores as Kara giggles. 

“Anyways, I’ll save you a VIP seat on Saturday so you can watch me win up close.”

Lena groans at her words but still says, “Well, you better. I’m not cheering for the losing team nor do I want to be seen next to them.”

“Sometimes, I don’t know if you’re with me or against me.” Kara points out whilst Lena stabs a piece of Kara’s chicken with her fork.

“I’m always with you,” Lena automatically says without missing a beat. “Even if you smell of the sun, sweat and dirt all the time. My loyalty is commendable.”

“Hey, I smell nice!” Kara protests before scooting right next to Lena to prove her point. “I showered after practice. Smell me.”

“Eew. I’d rather not,” Lena says, trying not to smile as Kara presents her neck at her.

“Smell me, Lena.”

“No.”

“I smell really good. Women like this scent.”

She does, Lena just wouldn’t admit that out loud.

“Whatever.”

“They do! I used your shampoo, your conditioner and your body wash!” Kara insists, flashing her a huge grin as Lena finally relents, her lips curving upwards.

“Of course you did. What’s new?”

Kara doesn’t even make an attempt to move away from her as they continue to eat side by side, laughing and chatting. And honestly, nobody in a million years would have ever guessed that it’s moments like this that Lena treasures the most. 

People can speculate about them however they like but Kara will always remain to be the most special person in the world to her.

* * *

Kara was thirteen when she loses her parents in an accident. Born and raised in France, she was left orphaned and alone, being passed between relatives who couldn’t afford to feed another mouth before her older cousin Clark who had moved to America took her back with him. Being a journalist who travels around the globe constantly he then left her under the care of the Danvers’, an extended family of theirs. The Danvers’ took her in warmly like she was their own and Kara finally found herself a home. 

But then change was hard on a thirteen year old still trying to recover from the trauma of losing her parents. From the culture to the language, Kara struggled. Fitting in was a challenge and alas, she found herself constantly alone. 

Entering high school had gotten even worse for her. Fortunate enough to receive a scholarship due to her high grades, Kara was accepted into one of National City’s prestigious schools. It should’ve been a blessing but Kara finds it’s a curse. 

Sons and daughters of the elite society were far worse than her past classmates who only ignored her. Mocked for her ‘bad’ English and her simple hand me down clothes, Kara experiences bullying. Being good in math and science wasn’t even helping her. Nor was the fact that Kara also excels in beauty, gaining the ire of her female classmates out of pure envy. So she finds herself being shoved against the bathroom wall while the other girls emptied her bag. 

“That’ll teach you to stop flirting with my boyfriend, you slut!”

Kara never flirted with any of them. She just politely declined his invitation for ice-cream after school but people see one thing and twist them easily into something else. She wants to say something but she finds it difficult to try to explain while they scream at her face. She gets shoved again and her hair pulled at. Tears of frustration and helplessness start rolling down her cheeks. She wishes for it to stop. All of it. 

It does.

The silence is refreshing for a start that she slowly opens her eyes, wondering if she was in a dream. When she looks up, she finds that a girl has entered the washroom. The first thing she sees is long black hair and milky white skin. When she takes in her face, Kara is stunned. She’s painfully beautiful, her eyes boring right at her and she finds it hard to look away. 

Lena Luthor. 

Everyone in school knew her. Kara had first caught sight of her, entering the cafeteria, looking like she owned the place. People parted to give way for her. She’s also heard the whispers about the youngest Luthor. Her father was the CEO of one of the biggest companies around the world, her mother a famous socialite and her brother Alexander ‘Lex’ Luthor is constantly on magazines as one of the young entrepreneurs to look forward to. Kara had constantly watched her with rapt interest, taking in her graceful movements and the effortlessly classy way she held herself.

Known for her cold demeanor and her brilliance academically, she is a force to be reckoned with. Kara finds her fascinating.

“Get out,” Lena simply says, two words thrown like sharp blades, enough for Kara’s bullies to rush out the door in seconds as Lena casually checks herself in the mirror. It’s astounding, really.

Meanwhile, Kara drops down to grab her stuff scattered all over the floor, her bag now looking like a tattered rug. She quickly brushes away her tears with the back of her hand as she shoves everything back in her bag, or whatever was left of it. 

Standing up with her eyes casted down the floor, she quietly moves to the door only to be stopped by a red handkerchief. When she looks up, she finds that Lena’s eyes are impressively green. On a closer look, they seem to blend into a light grayish tint under the sun. 

Not expecting the gesture, she cautiously takes the offered handkerchief with trembling fingers. 

“Fix yourself. You look like shit.” Lena bluntly tells her, a brow arching up as Kara only stares at her dumbly. The Luthor then leans back against the sink, palms resting on the sink’s surface, oozing with confidence. Kara suddenly feels self-conscious.

“Did you really flirt with Cole, Emily’s boyfriend?” comes the equally unexpected question and Kara would come to find just how straight-forward Lena could be, always plunging straight to the point and unafraid of speaking her thoughts.

“No.” Kara shakes her head just as another girl enters the washroom only to freeze at Lena’s sharp look and step back out.

“Then why aren’t you saying anything?” Lena asks without missing a beat.

“I have… bad English.” Kara blurts out.

Lena suddenly straightens up making Kara take a step back. Persistently, Lena takes a step closer to her until Kara is again backed up against the wall. 

“You know what I hate the most? Weak people.” Lena says, her tone dropping an octave lower. “Not because they are simply weak but because they refuse to help themselves. They’d rather freeze up in silence than fight back, waiting for some superhero to save them. I hate that.”

She leans closer, so close Kara inhales her perfume. She smells so good. Far better than those sweet flowery scents the other girls wear. Lena seemed to opt for a darker, deeper fragrance. Opulent. That’s the English word Kara had just learned this morning. It means rich and lavish. Even with scents Lena is above them all. 

“Stop being weak. It’s annoying. Curse them in French, scream and push harder. Don’t make me hate you. You wouldn’t want me as your enemy, Kara Danvers. Because I’m way worse than all of them.”

And just like that Lena leaves her stunned and confused. Was she being nice or… not? Kara doesn’t completely understand why she even talked to her. She doesn’t even immediately register that the most popular girl in school knows her name. 

What she does know now is that incredibly strong desire to prove Lena wrong. At the end of the day, she is consumed by just that thought.

Lena is wrong. She wasn’t weak. 

* * *

The cloudy skies make Lena sigh as she walks over to the front row of bleachers in her ever fashionable self, boldly wearing a black crop top blouse, high-waist shorts, a pair of sneakers, sunglasses and Cotler Argo’s blue team cap with ‘Danvers’ written behind it. It’s good that some soccer matches are done late in the afternoon where the sun doesn’t burn her pale skin but a rainy soccer match would suck even more. 

The front VIP row is blissfully empty despite the large crowd watching today and Lena lets out a small smile at the umbrella and a pillow sitting next to her seat. She did complain about the uncomfortable chairs last time and was glad to know that Kara is still attentive as ever. 

Speaking of Kara, the blue-eyed soccer player is seriously warming up in the field, her laser focus only broken when she finally notices her. A smile blooms across Kara’s face, eliciting excited squeals from the females seated on the rows behind Lena, before she proceeds to walk towards her, crossing the boundaries and hopping over the barricade to take a seat next to her. 

“Just came here to tell you that I’m happy you left the library to support me.” Kara teases as they both look out unto the open field.

“I came here because of compulsory best friend duties.” Lena replies, almost rolling her eyes at the proud smile Kara flashes at that. She decides to wipe it off her face.

“I also came here to make sure that the cheerleaders don’t lure you over to infect you with their… diseases.”

Kara bursts out laughing as Lena eyes said cheerleaders at a corner with disgust and contempt, “I don’t even know why we have them. Even FIFA doesn’t have official cheerleading activities.”

“Ask your brother. That’s all him. He created the cheerleading team. Helps with the morale he says.” Kara says in between chuckles.

“And you know I don’t do cheerleaders. They are not my type.”

“You have a type?” Lena asks incredulously and Kara whips her head back at her in a second, looking offended.

“Of course I do!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you just go for anyone who breathes,” Lena sarcastically says, remembering every woman Kara has ever hooked-up at parties and events. Nothing comes up. She still can’t figure out what ‘type’ Kara is ‘fond’ of. Flirty, perhaps?

“I like someone who is interesting, smart, witty and funny. It’s only a bonus if they’re pretty and hot,” Kara lists as Lena frowns.

“Oh this is news. You talk to them?!” she teases, a smirk playing in her lips just as Kara throws her hands up in the air and sighs in defeat.

“I hate you.” The soccer player mutters lightly. Lena doesn’t take it to heart knowingly.

“Liar.” Lena retorts fondly and the corner of Kara’s lips curve up.

They stay in silence for a while, sitting side by side with Kara playing with Lena’s fingers, just like any weekend they have spent indoors until Kara finally stretches her arms in the air, seemingly fully energized and more than ready to play. 

“Don’t let anyone kick your ass. Only I get to do that.” Lena tells her, another way of her saying ‘good luck’ and the thing about Kara is, she knows. She always knows what Lena, who everyone deems too cold, unaffectionate and unemotional, means to say. 

Kara always knows.

So instead of a retort, Kara leans over to give her a quick kiss on her temple, an act she’s been doing before every game ever since the start of the year. ‘Lucky kiss’ that’s what Kara calls it because she wins every time she does it. The first one had taken Lena by surprise but was quick to brush it off like nothing happened. 

It was also since then that Kara had seemed to have taken a habit of pressing quick kisses on her head, her forehead, her cheek, the back of her hand and her shoulder every time she feels like it. She’s also doubled on the sweet gestures for some reason but Lena doesn’t question it. She doesn’t say anything nor does she shy away from it. It’s in Kara’s nature to be overly affectionate and it doesn’t really bother her. That’s just how she is. The long tight hugs, the cuddles and the holding hands. Lena welcomes it all. 

It’s Kara. No reason needed at all.

* * *

Fourteen year old Kara wishes she’d never have to go to school anymore. High school is hell and she can’t wait to run back home every single day. Of course she lies to her parents about it. That she’s doing fine and it’s all good. Sometimes, when her older sister, Alex, asks about the bruises or her tattered notebooks, she lies through her teeth and says she’d gotten clumsy. She could tell that, at some point, Alex isn’t buying it anymore. But Kara doesn’t want to be a bother, doesn’t want to have them think of her as nothing but a child with issues. They’d only worry and Kara doesn’t want to give them any more trouble.

So she trudges on her way to school, prepared to duck, hide and run, wary of anyone trying to move close. So far she makes her way safely to her classroom without being tripped. Her first class that day is Chemistry. It’s the only class she shares with Lena Luthor. Lena, who strides in like a celebrity walking the red carpet as she makes her way to her seat near the window, a couple of rows to the left away from Kara’s—she prefers to seat near the door. The faster she gets out, the better. It’s not that she hates the subject. No, she actually likes Chemistry. It’s avoiding people like Emily Johnson and her group of friends that makes Kara want to bolt out of there the second the bell rings. 

Kara’s eyes the noisy group warily but somehow her attention always gets pulled back towards the dark haired heiress of Luthor Corporation. It’s been three days since their odd conversation in the girl’s washroom. They haven’t talked again since then. It’s like it never even happened. But honestly, she can’t stop thinking about it. Having no one to talk to doesn’t help her stop thinking of it too. And maybe staring at the Luthor has suddenly got her itching to draw again. The half-finished portrait on her desk at home is proof of that. 

Lena, as Kara observes always has people surrounding her. Everyone wants to sit next to her. The boys keep trying to talk to her while most of the girls try to befriend her, offering her sweets, buying her ice-cold coffee and asking about her popular brother. Basically, everyone just wants to be in Lena Luthor’s good side. To Kara, however, Lena seems to prefer being alone despite being surrounded by many people. Nose buried in books, really good fiction books, and bored eyes that wander outside the window. Sometimes, Kara catches her walking with and talking to the other popular girls but most of the time Lena just doesn’t seem to care about anything or anyone.

“Hey French fries!” someone yells out, followed by a crumpled paper ball hitting Kara on her cheek. Unexpectedly, at that exact moment, Lena’s head turns to look at her, steel green eyes meeting her own.

Like a deer caught in head lights, Kara awkwardly looks away, embarrassed at herself for gawking. She doesn’t have time to process it all just yet because one of Emily’s friends, Trevor, steps in front of her.

“Got answers to the Algebra homework?” he asks just as Emily and her friends move closer. Kara doesn’t want to let them copy from her again. She hates it. She really, really hates it. But they are snatching away her stuff again and forcibly taking her notes. 

It’s always the same thing. They keep taking advantage of her, copying answers and making her do the hard work. 

“Hey! Look! Look! French fries has a thing for Lena!” Andrew, another one of Emily’s friends, exclaims as Kara looks up in horror. In his hands is the drawing she thought she left at home. She had forgotten that she had stupidly slipped it in one of her notebooks last night. 

“God, why are you such a creep?” Emily comments as she snatches the drawing, eyeing her detestably. But it isn’t her words that make her stand up. Her eyes are fixed solely at the paper as she tries to take it back but Emily was quick enough to hold it far from her. 

“G-Give that back,” she finds herself saying. 

“Why, what are you gonna do ‘bout it, you snake?” Emily taunts her, poking at her shoulder mockingly and it’s like something explodes inside her chest. 

“I said, give it back!”

Kara steps forward and reaches for the paper again only to be pushed back. Before she could even think, Kara pushes back, harder, that for a moment Emily’s shocked face looks priceless. It doesn’t end there though. Recovering quickly, a fuming Emily charges at her, grabbing at her hair whilst Kara does the same. She manages to kick Emily at the leg that she screams and shrieks just before Andrew holds her back from behind, pinning her arms and allowing Emily to slap her. All around, Emily’s friends cheer like monkeys in a cage, egging their friend on. One of them hands her orange juice which is most likely what Kara is going to be bathed in, a few seconds from now. 

Still trying to fight her way out of it, she wriggles and kicks, spitting out words in French, all of which she wanted to say to them since the first day. But she’s greatly overpowered, it was a fixed match from the start and she was bound to lose. She eyes her drawing on the floor being stepped upon and feels frustrated tears pooling at the corner of her eyes. Emily is now looking smug, smirking as she steps closer to pour juice all over her. Kara shuts her eyes closed instinctively, her arms now sore from trying to break lose and her hair a mess.

She waits and waits but it doesn’t come. When she opens her eyes, it’s that familiar silence that greets her again. There in between her and Emily stands Lena, eyes looking down at the piece of paper on the floor. Wordlessly, she picks it up and turns it around to look at the drawing, which is probably now smudged with gray dirt, and Kara looks away, too embarrassed of it all as tears fall down her eyes. 

“The creep has been ogling you all day it seems, drawing you like some obsessed stalker.” Emily tells Lena who simply hums. 

“Here, it’s only right that you have a go at it.” Emily says smugly as she hands Lena the orange juice. 

She takes it and Kara’s heart sinks. She had hoped she wouldn’t. That Lena would be different.

“So stepping on my hand drawn portrait proves what exactly?” Lena slowly questions as Emily stutters in disbelief, fumbling for an answer.

“People pay to take my picture. You know how much this art would be worth?” Lena continues on, words piercing and cold, eyeing Emily up and down.

“Well, let me tell you then, it’s more than your outdated clothes, your shoes, your bag and that car your father bought for his mistress… combined.”

Gasps follow after that and Kara looks up to find Emily getting drenched with orange juice, her mouth forming a huge ‘O’ as she stands looking like an orange blowfish. 

“And by the way, I hate unfair fights. It’s something only cowards do.”

When Lena turns around to face her, Andrew immediately releases her, backing away as he mutters his apologies and his absurd excuses.

“I was just stopping the fight, Lena. I-I wasn’t—“ he tries but snaps his mouth shut when she eyes him with distrust. 

Standing before her, Kara doesn’t exactly know what to do or say. Should she thank her? Apologize? She still can’t even look at her straight in the eye. She tries to speak but doesn’t get to. 

“ _Let’s go_ ,” Lena says in perfect French before taking her by the wrist and pulling her along. Kara follows her in disbelief, everyone eyeing her silently. 

“Move.” Lena commands at the girl occupying the seat next to hers and when she leaves hurriedly, she motions Kara to sit down.

She obliges, watching as Lena returns to her own seat as if nothing happened, crossing her legs and leaning back as she picks up her book to resume reading. A tap on Kara’s shoulder breaks her daze as she finds her stuff being given back to her. She thanks the girl whom she knows as Jen before glancing back at Lena again.

“Thank you, Lena.” She sincerely lets out.

“Draw me again.” Lena suddenly says as she lifts up the paper. 

“Huh?”

“Make sure to get my left angle right.” 

“O-Of course.” Kara says, looking at Lena with her eyes wide and her jaw hanging open. She also takes note of the fact that Lena simply tucks the drawing in between her notebook.

“And by the way,” Lena adds as Kara looks at her attentively.

“Why do you always look like shit?” she breathes out before handing her another handkerchief. 

Kara ought to be offended but instead she takes what is offered, wiping away traces of her tears and consciously combs her fingers through her hair. And for the first time ever since she stepped into the halls of Lockwood High, Kara lets out a smile. 

Finally, she’s found a friend.

* * *

Soccer wasn’t Lena’s thing. Her brother loved soccer so much. She didn’t get what’s so fascinating with a ball being kicked back and forth for more than an hour. It’s boring and frustrating to watch. She finds chess more exciting to be honest. So finding Lena Luthor at a soccer game, suddenly leaning forward in her seat, knuckles turning white as Kara Danvers gets pulled to the side by the medic so that they can tend to the bleeding cut on her eyebrow after a nasty head collision with another player from the other team, would be a shocker. On the other hand, the center midfielder doesn’t look fazed and flashes a smile instead after she’s all patched up, looking up at a pair of concerned green eyes before running back into the field. 

Lena hates soccer. Not because it bores her or finds it a waste of time. Not anymore. Lena hates soccer now because Kara gets hurt playing that rough sport and she worries so much. Bruises, cuts and broken bones, Lena doesn’t like it, especially on Kara. But what can she do when one of the things Kara is passionate about happens to be such a sport prone to such injuries? 

She remains at the edge of her seat all throughout the game and as Kara makes a well-timed assist in order for her team mate to score a goal, the crowd goes wild and Lena finally breathes a sigh of relief. Kara’s team wins and as soon as the soccer player is released from her team mates’ hug, she runs towards Lena. 

Expecting a hug filled with sweat and all, Lena’s heart jolts when Kara lifts her up off her feet amidst their embrace. 

It shouldn’t really but well, guess some things never change.

But those are things to be placed in a box where words are to remain unsaid.

* * *

“Stay still.” Fourteen year old Lena mutters nonchalantly as she combs Kara’s stubborn blonde locks. Immediately Kara mumbles an apology, obediently staying perfectly still in the middle of Lena’s bedroom. 

It’s been three months since she’s decided to keep Kara by her side, finding her company better and different from the others. Surrounded only by people who want something from her in return, it’s refreshing to see someone stand out from the common crowd. She’s noticed Kara from the beginning. A shy girl who tried her very best to blend in. Wanting and longing to communicate but unable to. So most of the time, it’s the library she takes solace in. The very library, where Lena first saw her as she stays hidden in her own private corner, away from the chatter, the noise and the annoying fake smiles. 

Gossip says shy girl is adopted, straight out of France and could only afford to go to Lockwood High on a scholarship which means she’s extremely smart but then that’s the last thing everyone else from high society sees. It’s your last name, your clothes, your properties and your reputation in society that matters most and Lena detests it. Nevertheless, she would soon come to find that shy girl is doing well in every subject except English. And perhaps that solves the mystery why she never talks and eats alone in a corner of the school’s cafeteria while Lena is constantly surrounded by people she’s known since she was a child and has seen at every single party or event her parents are invited to. 

Boring.

“There,” Lena says in finality as she turns Kara towards the mirror, shiny hair falling down in soft wavy curls to her shoulders. Her eyelashes are curled, face looking fresh with a slight tinge of rosy pink and glossy raspberry red lips that would certainly be the envy of every girl in school. A perfect natural everyday look that doesn’t seem too heavy or too much.

She’s beautiful even without make-up or any other beauty enhancement. That much Lena admits but after just a couple of slight touches, beautiful isn’t enough to describe her. And no, she isn’t jealous. Jealousy isn’t forcing her hands elsewhere before she gives in to the temptation of combing her fingers through those soft curls once again. Or staring far too long at those lips that she has to turn away and busy herself with something else. It’s not jealousy.

It’s something else.

“We should go. I hate being late.” Lena breathes out only to inhale back in sharply and then ultimately forgetting how breathing works at the same time when she feels a pair of arms circling around her from behind. 

“Thank you, Lena.” Kara tells her followed by a sniff and Lena feels her chest shudder against her back. “Thank you for being my friend.”

Lena never was the physically expressive type. Other girls find it so easy but not her. She feels awkward about it. Luthors don’t exactly do emotional. But she finds it difficult to push Kara away. Instead, she lifts her hand up to pat Kara’s arm as if she were a puppy. It’s a poor attempt of reciprocating such an endearing action but she tries. For now, that’s the best she could do. 

Besides, it’s not like this is ever going to happen again. 

Only, Kara is actually very much going to do it again because she does turn out to express herself through physical touch and Lena sinks deeper until she finds it too late to turn back. She doesn’t know what it is about her that makes Lena okay with it. The cute little mannerisms? The bright smiles? The lame jokes? The passionate way she talks about food? Or that for once, someone actually wants to be her friend and see her solely rather than just a Luthor?

But when she stops reading to find Kara sleeping, with her head laid on Lena’s English book at the library table one afternoon, and finds herself resting her cheek on top of her arms at of the table as well to stare at Kara’s serene face, perhaps there’s another reason why. 

One she’s not ready to face just yet. 

Stretching an arm out underneath her chin, she tucks a strand of Kara’s hair behind her ear and decides then and there, behind books and library shelves, to keep it all to herself.

“Thank you for existing, Kara.” She whispers, the words hidden underneath it she decides to keep in a box.

* * *

A win calls for a celebration and since it’s a weekend the team decides it’s best to do it in a bar near their penthouse building. Lena accepts a beer from Samantha Arias, Kara’s team mate and CAU women’s soccer team’s goal keeper. She prefers whiskey actually but thinks twice about it when she eyes Kara downing glasses and shots like no tomorrow. Somebody has to cook hangover breakfast tomorrow morning and brew coffee after handing over the aspirin, and by the looks of it, Lena is certainly that somebody. 

Sighing, she takes a sip of the bitter liquid before ordering another round for the whole team. She gets grateful cheers for it and shakes her head when she hears Kara drunkenly declare, ‘That’s my best friend. My lucky charm. Whom I love forever!’ 

Lena smiles behind the bottle of beer, shaking her head at that.

Kara downs two more shots and somehow, Lena finally can’t help but be concerned. Kara doesn’t usually get this eager to drink but tonight, she seems bent on filling her system up with alcohol. The last time she was like this had been years ago and that wasn’t under good circumstances. So nobody can blame Lena for being concerned. She doesn’t show it though.

She wants to ask but it’s not the right time to. This is supposed to be a celebration. This was their night. Kara’s night. 

Lena decides to wait. Kara is bad at keeping things to herself anyway. She’ll tell her soon enough. She always does.

She’s also aware at the lingering looks that woman on the other table was throwing on Kara. She’s also aware that the intention seems mutual as Kara stares back heatedly. It’s nothing new, really. The team wins, Kara downs a few shots, scours the room with her eyes until she finds what she likes and like clockwork Lena takes a step back, letting the whole thing play out. Kara can do whatever she likes. She doesn’t need Lena’s permission for that.

Taking a long sip of her beer, she looks away before glancing at her watch. Almost time to leave. She hears the sliding of a chair backwards as Kara stands up and Lena’s feet start itching for a walk back home. Sam hands her another bottle of beer but Lena declines. 

A quick look and Lena spots Kara over at the bar. The girl from the other table casually sliding in next to her, attempting to strike a conversation. The rest of the team are now singing karaoke, getting tipsy and enjoying themselves. Lena puts a hand over Sam’s shoulder and squeezes as she stands up to leave. 

Sam, who pretty much knows the drill by now, simply squeezes her hand back. Lena always leaves early, or whenever she likes anyway. It doesn’t matter what kind of party or celebration it was. She leaves when she feels like it and Sam or Kelly stay to watch over the happy kids, especially Kara. 

An Irish exit can never be more fitting of a description for Lena.

The air is cold outside as she pulls her jacket closer and crosses the street. It’s only a five minute walk back to their apartment so taking a taxi is not really necessary. Besides, it’s helping. Walking. It’s helping a bit. Loosening the tightness of her heart and easing up the stifling weight over it. She needed this even though it’s getting tiring. Even though she really shouldn’t. Even though it’s been so long and she should be used to it.

“Lena!”

She slows down until her feet come to a stop, head turning around to find Kara running towards her. When she catches up only does Lena realize her surprise. 

“What?” she asks but Kara just shrugs innocently and pulls her along by the hand as they walk.

“You know you don’t have to,” Lena says as she matches her steps alongside Kara.

“There are a lot of crazies at night.”

Lena looks around to observe people simply trying to go home or running late night errands. She simply shakes her head at the reason and tries not to point out how safety wasn’t really an issue. Since their first year in college, it’s rare that she goes home with Kara after a party or an event. Sometimes, Lena finds someone else to take home and spend a pleasurable night with. Most times, it’s Kara who just disappears with someone. There’s an unspoken agreement to leave messages about whereabouts and to be home before the sun rises.

That’s always how it has been these past three years.

But if Lena’s concerns earlier are valid, she figures that perhaps Kara is almost ready to talk to her about it. Unfortunately, they’ve reached their building and Kara remains silent, their shoulders brushing.

“I’m really fine,” Lena says as Kara presses for the elevator, finding no need to walk her all the way up their apartment door. “You should go back.”

The elevator door opens and Kara steps in with her, never releasing Lena’s hand.

“Don’t feel like it.”

“Shit. Maybe I should call Dr. Jones.” Lena immediately says, making an attempt to pull out her phone and contact the Luthor’s private physician.

“Haha. Funny.” Kara replies with a small smile on her face.

“Why, was her breath really that bad?” Lena asks after the doors open, trying to remember what the flirty girl at the bar looked like. A brunette with nice legs. Kara just smiles at that.

There’s a pause after that until they reach their apartment and Lena stops mid-open to inquire again. 

“Was she a cheer leader?”

“No. She wasn’t!” Kara groans as Lena’s lips curve up, forming into a wide smile.

“So what was it then? Any red flags?” she presses on as Kara finally lets go of her hand and Lena walks in her own room, leaving the door ajar as she takes off her coat—technically, Kara’s coat since she chose fashion over comfort with her crop top today.

“She’s fine. I just—I wasn’t in the mood.” Kara tells her.

Lena nods even though she knows Kara won’t see her, kicking off her shoes and discarding her clothes before rummaging through her closet for something comfortable. She finds Kara’s sweater and a pair of shorts.

When she walks to her vanity mirror, whilst tugging the sweater over her head, she finds Kara leaning against her doorway, looking down on the white carpet of Lena’s bedroom, her face unreadable.

“Actually, I… I haven’t been with anyone in a while. Sleeping with anyone, I mean.”

“Okay that’s it, I’m scheduling an appointment with Dr. Jones whether you like it or not.” Lena mutters as she pauses from brushing her hair and Kara looks up as if asking the heavens for help. She then steps in Lena’s room, taking the hair brush from her hand and surprising her yet again as she softly brushes Lena’s hair herself.

“I think,” Kara begins as her fingers tenderly thread through Lena’s hair. Not knowing of the effect it gives. Unconsciously, squeezing at her heart and tugging at the strings that dangerously shake at the boxes Lena keeps closed.

“I think I’m ready.” Kara continues and Lena’s eyes look up at her through the mirror trying to find a trace of anything that says it’s a joke. She finds none, not when Kara’s eyes don’t meet hers and somehow, she feels like she’s tipping over the edge of something. 

Something that feels like five years ago.

Dread fills her up as she waits, unable to escape. So she rips off the band-aid to get it over with.

“Even though you’re opening yourself up to the possibility of getting hurt again?”

The brushing stops and Lena clearly sees the remnants of the storm that had almost ruined Kara. Yet she also sees some of that girl who lights up the room with her smile and that’s when her heart sinks. Because it’s inevitable. It was always inevitable. 

“If she’s worth it then I guess I am.”

Lena’s eyes slowly fall down, boxes rattling harder than ever before as she dares to ask. 

“Is she?”

It’s inevitable. It suffocates her. She lets it.

“Yes. I believe so.”

The brushing continues as Lena slowly inhales then exhales, “Then who am I to tell you otherwise?”

She reaches out to hold Kara’s wrist, making her stop before taking the brush and placing it on top of the vanity desk. She stands up, turning to Kara as she says.

“I just want you to be happy, Kara.” She casually says, putting out a well-timed smile before grabbing a towel, intending to wash up before calling it a night.

“Are you?” Kara suddenly asks as she checks her phone. There’s a message from Lex and two from her mother.

“Am I what?” she asks distractedly as she opens Lex’s first. It was a question on whether the team won or not.

“Happy? You don’t show it often and if I don’t ask… you hide it really well so, I really want to know.”

The question catches her off-guard, not really knowing how to answer it. In the end, she goes for the quick route. 

“Of course not, you made me sit in a crappy bar, drink cheap beer and listen to Nia Nal sing ‘A Whole New World’. I had a _wonderful_ night, thanks for asking.” She says, sending Lex a message back telling him they won and remarked about how unnecessary his cheerleading team was.

She wants to add about how greasy the fries were and two of those were enough to give her heart failure but it doesn’t make it out of her lips when a pair of arms circle around her waist from behind. She feels Kara’s cheek on her shoulder as she hugs her from behind.

“You should tell me.” Kara softly says. “You should tell me when you’re unhappy. Always.”

Lena closes her eyes, inhaling slowly and exhaling before opening them again. 

“Want me to give you a list?” she tries to say.

Kara’s arms tighten around her while Lena’s hand hovers above it. Years have passed and still, she’s not very good at this sort of stuff. She opts for a light pat.

“Write it all.” Kara says without missing a beat. “So I can do better. I want you to be happy all the time.”

Lena’s heart treacherously trembles at those words. Trying to convince herself it’s just one of those nights where Kara loses all filter and says words that makes Lena feel things she’s supposed to be over with.

Inhale deep, exhale slow. Lena waits for her voice to sound steady enough before speaking.

“Fine, but you need to get some rest. I cannot and will _not_ carry you back to your room.”

She hears Kara yawn behind her before finally releasing her from her hold. It’s only then Lena gets to breath easily. 

“Night, Lena.” Kara softly says before giving her a quick kiss on the cheek and walking out of Lena’s room to head back to hers.

Lena, on the other hand, enters their shared bathroom. Once inside, she leans against the door, looking up the ceiling before closing her eyes, letting out a heavy breath. She stays like that for a couple of minutes until her phone beeps with a new notification. When she checks she finds it’s from Lex.

_Have you told her about the internship in London?_

The words stare at her like a blaring sign outside until she can no longer look at it. Sighing, she places her phone near the sink before looking up at the mirror. Hoping to find the answers there but ending up with nothing. 

Only one question pops up in her head.

Why isn’t this easy? 

It should be. But it’s not. She should’ve accounted for this. 

Falling and staying in love with your best friend was never easy.


	2. Deux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS MATURE THEMES REGARDING ATTEMPTED SEXUAL ASSAULT, VIOLENCE AND ABUSE. 
> 
> Should you choose not to continue reading I would completely understand.

**Spare Me A Glance, My Dear Cornelia**

_Does a man who has not learned to say, “She, and no other,” know what love is? … When they said those things to me, then I felt with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my mind: “She, and no other.”_

_\--Excerpt from the letters of Vincent Van Gogh to his brother Theo about his unrequited love for Cornelia Adriana Vos-Stricker; Nov 7th 1881_

“I think I… I might like her too.”

At sixteen, Lena feels like she’s on a roller coaster. One that had just reached the peak after quite some time, moving inch by inch only to drop at the very edge and spin around in loops like the inside of a washing machine. She stands still, face bearing no emotion as she listens to her best friend admit what she feels about Jennifer Lanvin’s confession at the gym lockers earlier. 

“I think I like girls, Lena.” 

She’s still spinning round and round right there at in front of their school’s impressive soccer field by the bleachers. There’s no control button and the ride only stops when it stops. She’s still so far from the end. Not when she’s dropping down yet again. The only problem was, she couldn’t scream.

Kara looks at her like she’s about to cry, lips quivering and blue eyes looking for something deep within her. Lena knows what it is. She’s looked at the mirror and saw it staring back at her so many times. Acceptance. 

“Please say something.” Kara pleads softly, fingers fidgeting as she looks down, tears rolling down her cheeks. She’s traded her soccer uniform for just a plain dark blue shirt and shorts that run down to her thighs now, exposing light bruises on smooth skin from the game earlier. Lena’s just saw her play so confidently well in the practice game an hour ago. That confidence was nowhere to be found now.

Kara’s soft plea finally seeps into her. 

“So?” she asks nonchalantly as Kara looks up, confusion clouding her eyes.

“So what if you do?” Lena simply says with a shrug before throwing a confession of her own like she was talking about the weather and nothing more. 

“I like boys _and_ girls. It’s not the end of the world.”

She steps forward, lifting a hand up to brush Kara’s tears with dainty fingers, “There’s nothing wrong with that and if someone says otherwise, I’ll drag them to hell myself.”

A sob breaks from Kara and before Lena knows it she’s engulfed in a tight hug that almost knocks out the air out of her lungs. She almost drops her bag too. Kara is astoundingly strong for her structure. It seems all those soccer practices are paying off. 

“I was scared. I thought you’d hate me.” Kara says in between tears which dampen Lena’s school uniform, the prestigious logo emblazoned on the left of her chest, but she doesn’t really care. “I don’t know what I’d do if you ended up hating me.”

Lena scoffs, “Well, I don’t know about that. I still hate you for making me wait in those dirty bleachers so don’t get too complacent just yet.”

A chuckle rumbles from Kara’s chest as she finally let go of Lena. 

“Liar. I know you love me enough to wait in those dirty bleachers.”

“Stop being delusional.” Lena mutters as she starts walking away from Kara. The small smile on her lips, on the other hand, says otherwise. 

She hears footsteps jogging towards her and a hand coming around her arm as Kara catches up to her, sliding her hand down to hold Lena’s hand. Nothing new.

“Why didn’t you tell me you also like girls?”

Lena sighs and shrugs yet again, “Because you never asked.”

“Does Robert know?” Kara questions and Lena rolls her eyes. 

Robert, the boy she’s constantly in an off again, on again relationship sort of thing. Although, she wouldn’t quite call their make-out sessions a relationship. He’s simply a distraction from the feelings she has for a certain ray of sunshine. She’s also absolutely sure that the feeling between him and her is mutual. It’s all just fun and games.

“No, but it shouldn’t matter to him.” She answers.

“Tell me if it does. Because I’m going to… _hunt him down and kick his ass if he hurts you_.” Kara seriously says, ending the sentence in French as they walk towards a Lena’s car. Lena secretly finds it endearing to hear. Whenever Kara gets really angry, she always speaks French.

“No need for that.” Lena says as they stop in front of the car, Lena’s driver coming around to open the door for them. “I can handle him myself.” She says with smirk before entering the car with Kara.

“I know. I’m just saying, he’s going to have to deal with me too if he makes one wrong move.” Kara mumbles as they head off to the Luthor’s manor.

Glancing at her, Lena wonders. How can anyone not like Kara? 

She had been doomed to fall right from the beginning.

* * *

Avoiding someone you’re constantly spending every single day since high school with is impossible but still Lena tries. She knows Kara’s schedule more than Kara knows it herself after all. Besides, there’s always one place she can go and hide while she sorts her feelings into boxes, taking the time to hammer a bunch of nails all over it to seal them shut, hopefully, for the rest of her life.

Her brother’s night club.

“Did you kill someone? Need a lawyer?” Lex asks, voice reverberating across the empty place as he strides towards her, passing by the bar to grab glasses and a bottle of vodka. 

“I got a place in Cape Verde you can lay low in.” He continues before sitting in one of the circular sofa seats across from where Lena is laying, eyes closed as she massages her temples, a hard bound book she’s been trying to read but have long given up on in her hand and a small box that once contained chocolates discarded at the coffee table where Lex is now pouring his vodka. 

“I also have an untraceable account under another name you can use whilst you… hide.” Lex goes on as Lena slowly sits up to look at him in disbelief.

“God, I don’t really want to know why you have all that.” She mutters as Lex chuckles before pushing a glass of vodka towards her. Lena eyes it for a moment before taking it. 

She hopes the bitterness washes every single feelings she’s not supposed to be feeling inside her.

But it’s all a lie. It doesn’t really help. It just gives you a headache, nausea and a bad day on top of it all.

“Is this about London?” Lex says, trying to be subtle but it’s so very obvious what he really meant to say.

_Is this about Kara?_

Lena pours herself another drink and sips.

“London is fun. The experience would be great but honestly, unnecessary. Luthor Corp will soon fall upon our shoulders whether we like it or not National City is where we need to be.” Lex sighs, looking out unto the clear glass walls of his bar, Kryptonite. Lena likes that it’s high up at a hotel and that the city lights, once the sun sets, are pleasing to look at. She also likes that as Lex’s sister, she’s entitled to one of the private VIP deck lounges and that she is automatically allowed even before opening hours. Lena’s really not into socializing with tipsy patrons who want to make connections with a Luthor. More so, tipsy patrons who eye her like prey and want to take her home for a night.

“But who are we kidding here, you know that already.” Lex points out, turning to her once more. 

“Just tell her.”

It’s Lena’s turn to sigh and fall back into the velvet cushions.

“Tell her and get it over with.” Lex repeats and emphasizes. Lena scoffs at that. The reply coming quicker before she could even bite it down.

“Is that what you said to yourself when Clark got together with Lois?”

Her brother eyes her silently, the scars of the pain still visible no matter how faint they’ve gotten and Lena regrets having said anything, “Trust me, you don’t want to prolong that agony. End it while you still can so if things fall apart, the faster it is to heal.”

“That’s the problem,” Lena begins, eyes up at the ceiling, tracing the sleek modern design and lights above. 

“I don’t want it to be over… yet.”

* * *

“What does it feel like to… to kiss a girl?” Sixteen year old Kara asks her out of the blue as they sit at their favorite corner of the library. Her best friend’s glued down on a book about post-impressionism art but Lena is certain that her mind isn’t in it what with the sudden question. And what a question it was, good enough to catch her off-guard. 

“I-I mean, you have kissed a girl, right?” Kara’s cheeks are starting to bloom a light shade of pink and when she anxiously bites her lower lip Lena’s eyes drop down to stare at it before catching herself and quickly averting her gaze down the velvet cushion they are sitting on.

“Soft,” she finally lets out, pausing for a second. “Softer. Sweeter,” she clarifies under Kara’s rapt attention.

“ _And how_ …” Kara frowns, automatically switching to French, an unconscious habit of hers whenever she finds it hard to say the right words or when her emotions take over. “ _How do you_ … _you know_ … _do_ uhm… _that_?”

Lena smiles at that, finding amusement in the awkward bumbling mess Kara has become. So before she goes down stuttering and blabbering, she decides to make it easier for her.

“Not too dry and not too wet,” she begins, reaching down the pocket of her uniform to take out her favorite tinted lip gloss. She opens the cap and twists the bottom.

“Take it slow, don’t rush, then lean in,” She looks back at Kara, shifting so she is facing her, moving closer. Tenderly, she holds Kara by the chin, tilting her head up a bit. 

“Look her in the eye,” she says, voice almost a whisper, looking right into those brilliant blues staring wide right back at her. “Then ask, _‘Can I kiss you?’_ ” she asks in French, words rolling smoothly across her tongue. 

“Always ask,” she reminds.

“And… if she says yes?” Kara softly asks, eyes never leaving hers.

“Then tilt your head lightly to the side and press your lips against hers,” she says just as soft, focus drifting back down to those pillowy lips, tracing the curve and arch with her eyes just before lifting up the lip gloss to apply it on Kara’s lips. 

“Softly.” She rolls the lip gloss gently across Kara’s lower lip. “Then take it from there,” she simply says, finishing up before finally backing away a bit to inspect her work.

“Relax. Enjoy the moment. You don’t really have to be impressive at it. You simply learn along the way.” She finally says as she closes the cap of her lip gloss. 

“Maybe avoid awkward head or nose bumps and don’t wear too much lipstick. This would do.” She adds, reaching out to swipe at the corner of Kara’s lip where there’s excess lip gloss.

“Right,” Kara blurts out, blinking as if she finally breaks out her stupor and looking like she’s ran a marathon with the way her cheeks color a light shade of pink and exhaling audibly.

Lena thinks it’s adorable as she lets off a small smile which she tries to hide by turning around to return a book back in the book shelf. Kara’s never been in a relationship before and the girl who has finally stirred her heart must’ve saved a country back in her past life, if there is truth to past lives. Or perhaps, multiple universes.

_“I think I… I might like her too.”_

Kara's words bounce against her chest so suddenly that it knocks off the smile from her lips. It stings where it hits and Lena realizes something she wishes she didn’t have to think of. If only feelings are like cuts that hurt for only a couple of moments until you patch them up and move on.

Kara likes somebody else and Lena hates that the sting from that invisible cut just won’t go away. Instead, it continues to hurt with varying degrees of intensity. When they are alone it softens until Kara gets flustered over a message from Jennifer and suddenly the pain shoots right back up. It heightens whenever she remembers that Jen is half French, born in Paris and is raised in between France and the same upper class neighborhood of Midvale, a fact that has therefore made it easier to connect to Kara. 

It shouldn’t make her jealous that now she isn’t the only person Kara finds a sense of familiarity and comfort outside her family, but as childish as it sounds, it still does and Lena hates herself for it. Kara is no object to be possessed over but she finds herself unwilling to share her with anyone. 

It makes her wonder if it really was Kara who had initially been the outsider or was it her all along? Because if she thinks about it, her path in life is achingly similar to that of Kara’s and for so long no one had understood what it felt like to not belong anywhere until the bright ray of sunshine came into her life.

Lena is half-Irish, a product of an affair between Lionel and a fashion photographer named Olivia when Lionel was on the verge of divorce with Lillian, Lena’s step-mother. The divorce didn’t happen, the marriage remained intact and thus the affair ended. A year later Lena was born in the county of Wicklow where she was supposed to spend most of her childhood, that is until her mother got sick and figured that it’s time her father knew about Lena’s existence before cancer takes her. 

Everything went downhill from there and Lena’s simple life changes in a flash. Years later, Kara’s plight would remind her how being suddenly thrown in a completely different world feels like. How scary, confusing and lonely it was. And how great it feels to find someone who lifts you up so you can breathe again.

Maybe it was her that needed saving and not Kara after all.

Maybe they saved each other.

But now Lena has to learn how to share. Because now there’s somebody else whom Kara feels safe with too and Lena has to adjust to that fact or else she loses one of the few good things to come in to her life.

So when Jen walks in the library just as Lena sits back down next to Kara, she restrains herself from letting her tongue go loose and throw scathing words filled with distrust on her sudden interest in Kara after all these years. For Kara’s sake she sits still as they are ‘formally’ introduced and tries not to be too unwelcoming unless she upsets her best friend who’s already fidgeting nervously. A problem easily solved when Lena offers a supportive hand over Kara’s arm and a small compliment towards Jen which she delivers almost insincerely. 

It was then that Lena realizes, at sixteen, just how important Kara’s happiness is to her and that she’d do everything to make sure that Kara’s smile never loses its shine. Even if it means breaking her own rules. For Kara, it’s okay. Lena will make sure that she never has to be afraid of anything. To love and be loved as fiercely as Lena does for her. That Kara could lose everyone but never Lena because she’ll be there no matter what happens.

Kara deserves all the good things in this world.

And even if something breaks inside of her, the moment Kara hugs her tightly to simply thank her for everything it is what Lena promises to herself and she intends to keep it.

* * *

The sun had long gone down the moment, Lena arrives back at hers and Kara’s place, Vodka still clinging to her lips and head still hazy. Lex had his driver take her back to the suite and it’s at those moment where Lena finds herself thankful to have a brother, albeit annoying in a way siblings usually are but still, one who delays his flight—and eventually, his meeting—just so he can share a drink with his little sister. Lena needed him today and even though he is unable to be there often, he still tries and sometimes that’s all that matters.

When the elevator opens Lena goes in with heavy steps and leans her head back against the wall as she struggles to press the button for the top floor. She gets it right after a minute. She hadn’t intended to drink too much, she never really does anymore, but she hasn’t seen Lex in a while and with Kara constantly on her mind, it was inevitable. For once she needed not to think and just stop feeling, even for just a moment. 

It also takes a moment after the doors open on her floor for Lena to be engulfed in a strong embrace. It was so sudden that she almost gets knocked out of her feet if not for those same arms holding her steady. 

“Lena Kieran Luthor, where the heck have you been?!” Kara’s voice rings right next to her ear and suddenly Lena’s bathed in everything she’s been trying to avoid, Kara’s worried eyes that descend down into something akin to relief, her touch that warms every part of her that had been frozen in icy waters for far too long, and that feeling of completeness she can’t help but crave after struggling to swim away from it all day.

Kara has a way of making people feel special and cared for. Her thoughtfulness and ability to make one feel at ease are what draws people to her bright glow. Which is why it’s so hard to hate her. She’s so easy to love, Lena never stood a chance. 

“Your phone’s dead, you weren’t in your class nor were you in the library!” Kara continues to say, blue finding green and soft hands touch her face. 

She hates how she can’t pull away. She hates how she still wants to stand so close to the flame even though the heat is already starting to burn her alive. She hates how she’s still ready to come running when called.

“Do you know how scared I was? Evil people like hurting or abducting Luthors and then sending out demands for ransom!”

Lena’s daze finally breaks as a smile stretches across her lips. A laugh breaks out next and she’s laughing whole heartedly. It’s even funnier as she watches Kara rant on at her with her cheek still smeared with paint. There’s also dried paint in her hands. Nevertheless, Lena is certain that whatever project Kara has been spending so much time doing these past few weeks is going to be another masterpiece just like all those huge spectacular paintings she’s created.

“You’ve clearly been talking to my mother again.” Lena comments as her laughter dies down into chuckles, her body swaying as the alcohol clouds her senses. True enough, Lillian Luthor always seems to think that no one can completely be trusted. Lovers and friends can be bribed, that’s what she always says. So far the only person that had passed the test doesn’t find any of her drunken rambling amusing.

“And you’ve clearly been drinking,” Kara states the obvious, the surprise in her voice evident as she quickly reaches out to steady her, a crinkle forming in her brows.

“Lex dropped by,” she finally explains and Kara slowly walks with her back to their shared apartment.

“You could have left me a message. I would’ve picked you up! I was about to call the police a second ago.” Kara insists as they walk inside, an arm around Lena’s waist to keep her from stumbling. She’s so warm and Lena would like to stay in her arms longer but that wasn’t what she’s supposed to be thinking, right? 

She frees from Kara’s hold once they are inside, muttering how she’s fine and all before taking off her coat, hanging it carelessly on the rack and trying to rid herself off her pants leaving her with nothing but her underwear. It’s hot and it’s most likely the alcohol in her system but she’s been sweating and her clothes are starting to constrict her.

“The press would finally have a scandal to report about me if you did. I’m the boring Luthor after all.” Lena points out before she crashes down her bed, movements sluggish as she continues to clumsily unbutton her blouse. The room is spinning and it’s so much better lying down than greeting the floor with a bruising bump.

“God knows how desperate they are to see me crack.” Lena laughs dryly. “Waiting to see me fail… make an entertainment out of it.”

She gives up on the last button with a sigh, throwing an arm across her face. Moments later she feels the bed dip down next to her.

“The press can eat horse dung.” Kara mutters, making Lena burst out in laughter, her arm lowering from her face to find her best friend sitting next to her. Blue eyes looking down at her, going a shade darker in the dimness of her room.

“And you’re not the boring Luthor,” Kara adds, eyes never leaving hers that it twists at her heart. 

“You’re my favorite Luthor.” She softly says and Lena is not prepared for the tenderness it is accompanied with. 

If only Kara, who sputters the sweetest of compliments every day like they were casual greetings, knew how much it makes her weak. For all the pride and power she exudes in front of everybody else, in front of Kara it only takes a couple of words said in the quiet of the night to make her completely crumble.

Lena wishes she drunk more Vodka. That way, maybe she’d be completely numb to everything. Because she clearly still feels things she isn’t supposed to and that could lead to bad decisions. But then again drinking to the point of numbness only makes her feel like she's in a nightmare she can't wake up from. She shouldn't even be touching Vodka at this point. She's supposed to loathe it. But her heart has drove her to edge and she can't step back.

“My mother isn’t going to be happy about that. She loves you more than me,” she comments drowsily, eyes getting heavier until she gives in and closes them. The weight next to her disappears and perhaps that’s that.

But after a while she hears drawers opening before she hears Kara sighing, the bed dipping again. 

“Lena, you need to change.” Kara reminds her before softly asking with a hint of uncertainty in her tone, “I’ll... take this off, okay?”

She hums in reply, too sleepy to care. It’s Kara anyway. And with Kara, she’s always safe. There’s no one else she trusts more.

So she lets adept fingers tug and unbutton her blouse, helping her sit up, her head on her best friend’s shoulder as said best friend carefully strips the garment off of her with a gentleness she hasn’t received from anyone else. In a moment, she’s snuggling back underneath the sheets, clothed in an oversize shirt with Cotler Argo’s soccer team imprinted on it. Kara’s surname and soccer number etched at the back.

When she tips in between reality and sleep, she thinks she feels soft lips pressing on her temple and equally soft touches running through her hair. Warmth enveloping all around her.

* * *

“No,” sixteen year old Lena hums nonchalantly, looking away as she takes a sip from the bottle of vodka she took downstairs at the bar. Her mind trying to outrun her heart but in the end it stumbles and gets crushed by its weight. She hopes vodka would help lighten the load. Make her feel nothing but a dull throb at the back of her head, but even alcohol fails her. To make matters worse…

“C’mon Lena,” Robert urges, alcohol clearly running through his system as he runs his hands on her thigh, her skirt hiking up at the motion. Outside, blaring music blasts as Midvale High’s 'party of the year' starts to pump up. All the popular and rich kids get an invite and Lena decided to go at the last minute, preferring to lose herself in the chaos than spend her night moping over what she’s finally stopped denying. An unrequited love.

What she doesn’t expect is that the very thing she tries to move past from greets her less than five minutes after she arrives. Of course Jen is invited and she’s chosen that night to introduce her new girlfriend, Midvale’s rising soccer player, Kara Danvers, to her social circle. 

In spite of being surrounded by so many people, Kara’s polite smile goes wide at the sight of her, eyes lighting up as she moves to go to her only to be dragged to the pool side at the last second and indulge in some drinking game. The apologetic look on her face sticks with Lena all night. Declining to partake in said game, Lena flashes a tight smile at her best friend before drinking shots and eventually grabbing a bottle of vodka from the bar’s counter. That and a quiet room away from the chatter and the noise to shut out the thoughts in her head. Everyone wants a Luthor in their circle because clearly, that’s how one becomes popular and Lena has had enough of the overly excessive friendliness for the night.

“I’m not in the mood,” Lena mutters in annoyance as she pushes Robert away, avoiding his advances. 

“The fuck Lena? You said that the last time,” he points out, the irritation evident in his tone. Not like Lena cares. He can go stomping his foot like a petulant child and she wouldn’t even bat an eye. She wasn’t raised to please spoiled little boys and give in to their every whim.

“Go _fuck_ somebody else then,” she simply says, taking another drink from the now half-empty bottle, ignoring the sarcasm in his laugh and the curses spewing from his lips.

Coming here was a bad idea. Lena should’ve just chosen moping at home. She’d still be drinking but at least she could do it without any disturbances and just pass out whenever without having to worry about the rumors running wild tomorrow. Standing up to leave, she doesn’t expect the sudden pull at her arm. Robert’s now spitting half-assed apologies and doing that thing that annoys Lena the most, boys saying anything to either make you feel like it’s your fault or get you to open your legs for them. He’s doing both right now and it’s only annoying her even more. 

Casual hook-ups aren’t supposed to be this annoying.

“We’re done,” she says without missing a beat, having had enough of all his whining. 

Perhaps the only mistake she made was not cutting off this nonsense with him earlier because alcohol only reduces a person’s filter and brings about their worst selves. Robert’s already an asshole but with alcohol in his system now… he’s a monster. She realizes this once he yanks on her arm so harshly she almost stumbles on the floor had it not been for the bed behind them, vodka spilling all over the carpet from the fallen bottle. Suddenly he’s on top of her, pinning her hands down and running his disgusting lips all over her neck.

Fueled by anger and sheer revulsion at the horrendous act, she knees him in his stomach with a move she’s been taught during her self-defense classes, not only because Luthors are required to have them but because it’s in their nature to always have the upper hand no matter what. It’s not in their blood to sit quietly, surrender and let people step over them. She also slaps him, as hard as her drunk addled mind would let her.

Luthors hit first and fatally, with no room for error.

Rolling down the floor, she tries to get up but the world sways and so she ends up crawling to regain balance. Hoping to make it out of the door in seconds.

But Lena’s miscalculated. It’s rare but it happens because nothing really is certain and she lacked anticipation. Her father would certainly be disappointed if he knew. It’s how the game is played after all. But she’s had too much alcohol, putting her at a huge disadvantage, and now Robert’s pulling her back with a firm grip latching on her ankle, calling her names before slapping her hard across the face that has her vision dimming for a moment. Rough hands taking advantage of the situation and it makes Lena nauseous. 

“Kara.” She whimpers softly, still struggling to fight him off but failing as she hears the fabric of her top rip. It’s instinct, ingrained in her system in moments of desperation and hopelessness. The very name that she associates with safety, comfort and light. Leaving her lips like an ardent prayer. 

And in equally rare moments, this time it’s an answered prayer. The dim room bathes with light and before she could process any of it, Robert’s knocked off of her in a flash. There’s an angry growl and a hard thud as she finds her ex-boyfriend’s bloody face being punched brutally against the cold hard floor by none other than Kara herself.

Frozen and stunned for a couple of seconds, Lena finally snaps out of her stupor and in spite of shaky legs, she manages to surge forward to hold her best friend back as she continues to rain down heavy blows on Robert’s broken face, his body already limp from the beating.

“Kara, stop!” she almost screams, looking on in horror at the damage in front of her as she wraps her arms tightly around Kara, crystal blue eyes once filled with shyness and innocence now livid and feral, never leaving sight of her target. A face that had seemed to only know how to smile now contorted with sheer anger.

They stumble to the side yet Lena doesn’t let go, more concerned over the blonde in her arms than her own well-being. Kara was never violent. Her best friend, although athletic with astounding endurance and a stamina that could beat the male soccer players on the field, would never even hurt a fly, would never even fight back unless it was self-defense and would rather turn her back away from conflict even if her chances of winning are big. Kara always chooses the mature route. Calm and always in control, that’s what Lena knows of her best friend.

This, this was something else she’s never seen before. 

As she looks into the fury painting Kara’s features, clenched jaw, stiff shoulders and bloody knuckles, Lena realizes she hasn’t actually met this side of Kara Danvers until now. 

“Kara… look at me,” she softly breathes out amidst the ragged breathing emitting out of her best friend’s chest, gingerly touching Kara’s face. Something finally breaks and that’s when blue eyes look at her with a mixture of emotions Lena can’t place all at once. 

“He… he’s… he was…” Kara slowly croaks out, voice trembling like Lena’s body is right now. She tries to look down at what she has done only for Lena to hold her face, not permitting her to dwell on it any further, afraid of the devastating effect it may have on her best friend.

“I-I didn’t mean to…” Kara tries to say but Lena shushes her, a tear escaping from the corner of her eye as she slowly pulls a dazed Kara away to the door, a hand around her waist. 

By now it’s like her body is moving on auto-pilot, grabbing her phone with her free hand as they make it out the door. Chatter hums around outside as the crowd draws in with the commotion. She doesn’t even realize she’s dialing 911 until the call has connected. Surprisingly, she’s handling the situation better than expected, if only to make sure that Kara is alright. Only one thought prevails in her mind and it slowly resides inside her system permanently.

To protect Kara Danvers.

“Lena… are they going to expel me?” Kara asks, her voice small and uncertain as she sits on a hospital bed after having her swollen knuckles tended to. It looks really painful and Lena had flinched as she watches the nurse clean up the dried blood. 

“No,” she answers firmly, sitting next to Kara and tucking a stray lock of blonde hair behind her ear. “I’m not going to let that happen.”

“I wouldn’t mind though. He… he did something unforgivable… I have crossed the line but then I can’t say I’m sorry either,” Kara admits as she closes her eyes, her uninjured hand clenching at the thought. It’s almost like a reminder of the empty coldness Lena has witnessed earlier.

“You saved me. Nothing you did was wrong. I don’t want you to apologize to that bastard.” Lena says, trying to conceal the shudder that she lets out at the memory.

“I should’ve gotten there earlier… I’m sorry—“

“Don’t say that.” Lena sternly tells her and blue eyes look at her. “If you hadn’t come he would’ve…” she doesn’t even finish her sentence, words left hanging for a while until tender fingers touch her bruised cheek. The adrenaline that had kept her focused and going now slowly ebbing away.

“I’m here. Always. I promise.” Kara declares boldly, despite the softness of her tone.

“I’ll always protect you Lena.”

And it feels as if Kara had stolen the words out of her mouth. Feels like her chest cannot handle all the overwhelming emotions swirling inside of her. The weight of it all she finally accepts.

“I’m not going to let anybody hurt you again.”

Behind blue curtains and amidst the noise all around, Lena’s chest shudders, feelings gushing out of all the corners of her heart as she embraces Kara tightly, tears that she tried to hold back for so long soaking against the fabric of her best friend’s shirt. She never wanted to be vulnerable and weak in front of anybody but there, in front of Kara, she lets go for the first time in a while. Trusting that Kara would catch her when she falls.

She's never been more certain. Her heart now officially belonging to the girl in her arms.

The world may fall but she will always have Kara and Kara will always have her.

_I promise._

* * *

The worst of the worst tend to start normal and Lena had no idea that it’s what awaits her that day when she opens her eyes to the blinding sunlight. Kara, being the morning person that she is, has a habit of leaving curtains open and Lena’s room isn’t an exception. 

_‘Morning sun is healthy, Lena’_ Kara would always tell her. It’s her version of Lena’s _‘That green stuff you hate is good for you’_ and perhaps it’s a fair deal. Lena needs more sun and Kara needs more vegetables. They both win in the end anyway. 

Still, her aversion to the sun has her groaning and rolling away from the blaring sunlight. Burying her face on one of the many pillows she has—mainly because Kara does sleep in Lena’s room from time to time and has been lazy enough not to bring her own pillows even when her room is just across hers—Lena hums appreciatively at the scent of Kara’s perfume that has clung to her sheets, evidence that her best friend had opted to stay by her side last night. It’s one of the few reasons that brings her to smile in the morning.

That and the scent of coffee wafting from their kitchen.

Still fresh from sleep after checking her phone for notifications, she groggily gets up, her body protesting as it tries to recover from the amount of alcohol she’s consumed, an overwhelming one at that. It’s not exactly a bad hangover given that since she’s with Lex, only the most expensive and the highest quality alcohol had been served. It’s the cheaper ones that bring the terrible headache, nausea, upset stomach and muscle aches. 

It’s been years since Lena got buzzed enough to have a hazy memory of stumbling back to their penthouse apartment. After that traumatic incident with her ex years ago, Lena has not been drinking as much as she had before. If she did it was in the presence of family and friends, specifically Kara, even then she would limit herself to a certain amount of alcohol or beer.

“Morning,” Kara’s voice, melodious as ever, drifts from across the table of their dining area where breakfast was laid out waiting for her. The sight of it after a hangover is indeed heavenly.

“Don’t you have soccer practice today?” Lena asks after taking long refreshing gulps of water for her parched throat.

“I do,” Kara answers, mouth still full as she does so and yet Lena still finds it adorable, “but I told them I had a personal emergency to attend to.” 

Kara’s words create concern as Lena’s brows knit together, curiosity painting her features. 

“Is everything alright?” she automatically asks just as Kara pushes a plate filled with a scrumptious breakfast in front of her. 

It still amazes her when Kara cooks food and doesn’t burn the kitchen. Come to think of it, she rarely sees her best friend working in the kitchen since their first year in college. It had always been Lena cooking on weekends or whenever she feels like they’ve consumed too much greasy take-out food. This morning’s home cooked meal is certainly a nice little surprise. Clearly, Kara has been improving her cooking skills. 

“ _Yes_. _Fine_ , _perfect_ ,” Kara quickly tells her, eyes solely focused on her food and it just makes Lena suspicious. It doesn’t even help that she says it in French. Something’s going on inside her pretty little head again and Lena wants to know it. But then she never pushes Kara to do things she’s not ready to do. 

She might’ve abused the power her name holds and the family fortune from time to time to get what she wants but when it comes to Kara there’s always been a special exception. In front of her best friend Lena threads gently, giving the utmost care and consideration to Kara’s feelings. Letting her come to Lena when she’s ready.

“Anything I can do to help with that emergency?” Lena asks before quickly adding, “As long as it’s not exercise or any physical activity then I might be of service.”

Any running or climbing up the stairs would kill her at this point. Still, if Kara needs her she’d do the best she can. It’s the least she can do after Kara’s had to deal with her drunk mess last night and now this morning’s delicious breakfast. 

“Hang out with me today.” Kara tells her and Lena notes how it isn’t presented as a question. For Kara, that's rare.

“And… where exactly are we going?” Lena immediately asks, a brow arching up as she starts wracking her mind for any clue as to where and trying to remember if there was a special occasion today she’s stupidly forgot.

Yet Kara simply shrugs, “Anywhere.” Blue eyes looks at her and Lena knows they hold the power to make her do anything it asks of her. 

Damn Kara and those hypnotizing cerulean blue eyes. Lena has embarrassingly become just as soft for them as they look and if anyone finds out how easy a Luthor falls compliant for just that then certainly they’d think of her as weak. 

“Well, I’m not really doing anything important today.” Lena finally breathes out, deciding that she won’t be finishing any of her papers today anyway. Besides, she’s read in advance. One day spent having fun and relaxing won’t knock her off the number one spot.

“Should I call the driver?” Lena asks, already ready to grab her phone to call one of their drivers. 

In the corner of her eye, Kara’s lips break into a small smile and when Lena looks back at her due to the absence of a response, those blue eyes are looking back at her again.

“I actually borrowed Alex’s bike today.” Kara answers with a glint in her eye which tells Lena how much she enjoys seeing the look on her face at the mention of Alex’s most beloved baby, her Ducati monster 696. 

The reason for this is the fact that Luthors and motorbikes have a turbulent relationship. Both Lionel and Lex had motorcycle accidents which has left Lillian with no choice but to put a ban on owning any kind of motorcycle in the Luthor household right after Lex almost loses his life one night as he was cruising back to his dorm with his then girlfriend Lana Lang—admittedly, it wasn’t entirely reckless driving alone that led to the crash, they were coming from a party and Lex had been under the influence of both drugs and alcohol. A very unfortunate thing for Lena back then who had been begging her brother to teach her how to ride one. Lillian decides that no motorcycles are to be brought in or out of their property and Lena’s supposedly early birthday gift from Lionel gets cancelled.

Stubbornly, it didn’t stop Lena from secretly hopping up on one. Her accomplice? The very woman sitting right in front of her. Unlike her, Kara has successfully gotten lessons from her big sister Alex, a far more careful and responsible driver than Lex which was why Eliza Danvers, their mother, had allowed it but not without a very long list of reminders and precautions first.

Then again, as it had been emphasized, Luthors and motorbikes are a bad mix. Lillian finds out about their little joyride—one of many. They each get a good reprimanding, Lena more than Kara because Lillian has a soft spot for the younger Danvers. Ultimately, Lena is grounded for a month and Kara has to climb up her window like a skilled cat just so they can watch movies. 

That was four years ago. 

“Are you serious?” Lena asks, her excitement almost palpable as she straightens up.

“Well, this is our last year in college, these are the last few weeks we have before we succumb to final projects and thesis presentations, and I don’t think your mother’s going to be able to ground your 21 year old ass anymore so I guess we’re safe?” Kara suggests and if Lena could kiss her, is _allowed_ to kiss her, then she would have done it in this very second. Because the morning sunlight hits Kara just right and if Lena could frame that smile, that precious look, then she wouldn’t need anything else for a while.

Sadly, she also knows, it’s the only one of the few thing of hers she may be allowed to keep. 

At the last second, she pulls away from that thought. Lena doesn’t want to entertain any more of these kinds of things. Not now. Not ever. It’ll consume her whole and ruin her to pieces. So she focuses back to the present and struggles to stay there.

“When are we leaving?” Lena automatically says.

“Would an hour be enough for you to get ready, Your Majesty?” Kara playfully teases her. 

It’s been established that Lena needs at least two hours to get ready on a daily basis before walking like she owns the building, while Kara only needs half an hour before she runs out of their apartment in a flash, face looking perfect despite having minimal skin care. When leaving together, it’s always Kara waiting, either patiently or impatiently, for Lena by the door.

Lena gives her a look and Kara chuckles, going on about how Lena doesn’t need to do so much all the time when she’s beautiful even without make-up. Of course, Lena rolls her eyes at this and groans. They’ve been through this a million times after all. A Luthor would rather be caught dead than walk out not looking like someone fresh out of the latest fashion magazine. 

It takes her an hour _and_ twenty minutes with Kara’s persistent ushering and soon enough they are hitting the road with Lena’s smile widening as Kara picks up speed. It also gives her the excuse to wrap her arms tightly around her best friend’s waist as the wind hits her face.

She forgets everything for a moment. Inhaling the scent of Kara’s body wash and enjoying the happiness it gives. She feels free and light. Lena wishes they could always have this and prolong it. Moments so precious and memorable. Just the two of them, together like this.

“So, been seeing anyone lately?”

Lena almost chokes on her iced-coffee at the question. They’ve circled all over the city, making several stops to a couple of novelty shops, a bookstore, a restaurant, a coffee shop and now they’ve decided to drive to the beach in time for sun set.

“You mean, have I found a person who isn’t intimidated by my last name, does not have ulterior motives and is actually a decent human being?” She manages to answer as they walk side by side, her eyes solely on the path walk before them. “If I do, you’ll be the first to know.”

Kara chuckles softly next to her as she enjoys her sweet creamy frappe. Her best friend shakes her head. “Ah, of course, you don’t see all the people throwing hearts at you wherever we go. I swear, it’s not easy fending off your millions of _persistent_ suitors every single day.”

“I do and most of them only throw pure lust. I don’t really need the fending but I do owe you potstickers. Besides, why are we talking about my admirers when it’s your fan girls that keep eyeing me like vermin every day?”

A hand suddenly latches around her arm and Lena suddenly finds herself face to face with concerned blue eyes.

“Are they harassing you?”

Lena lets out a scoff. “Please, like they could even try.”

None of them have advanced level of training in Taekwondo and Krav Maga. Which reminds her that Alex has texted her wondering if she’d be interested in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu lessons and Lena hasn’t really been hitting the gym these past few months. So she might just take the offer in order to get her body back in condition again.

“Stop worrying. Makes you old really quickly. How many times do I have to tell you that?” Lena lets out as she pulls Kara along, her best friend still not looking entirely convinced.

“Lena, I’m serious. If anyone messes with you—“

“You’ll be there to kick their asses, I know.” Lena finishes and before she could stop the words from spilling adds, “But you won’t always be there, Kara, and I’m not sixteen and helpless anymore.”

Kara’s feet come to a stop and Lena, still holding on to her arm, comes to a halt as well, internally wincing at the sensitive topic she just accidentally opened. Because years might have passed but the truth remains, Kara still blames herself for that day and Lena hates that she does. She isn’t supposed to. She’s not obligated to. Kara’s the hero, not the villain of the story.

Turning around, Lena lets out a heavy breath, “Kara—“

“Why? Are you planning to leave me?”

Her words, said so softly, are enough to almost knock the air out of Lena’s lungs, her tongue tied and her body going stiff. Those blue eyes are piercing and Lena knows that if she looks elsewhere it would give her away. Kara couldn’t possibly know about London—

“Cause good luck on that. You aren’t shaking me off of your life that easily, Luthor. From the moment you drenched Emily Johnson in orange juice, it’s been set on stone,” A smile slowly spreads on Kara’s lips.

“I’ll be kicking asses for you even until both our hairs go white. You're stuck with me forever. So, deal with it.”

It’s so hard not to fall for her. It’s so hard not to love her. No one does it like her. Kara has set the bar too high for everyone else. How could she even fall for anyone else when her heart begs to run towards those very blue eyes?

* * *

“Kara?” Lena’s voice is soft and for the first time, uncertain as she stands in front of Kara’s bedroom. 

_“She hasn’t left her room ever since she came home.”_ Eliza, Kara’s mother told her before proceeding to ask what exactly happened. Lena hasn’t grasped the exact details just yet but already has a clue as to what it was all about. Still, she shrugs and promises to talk to Kara. 

In three months they are about to graduate and head off to their respective college. In three months, Kara will turn seventeen and in a couple more, so will Lena. By then, Kara would be in Stanhope and Lena in Cotler Argo. It’s not something they are looking forward to. Being so far apart wasn’t exactly the plan. The original plan had been Cotler Argo as it offers excellent programs for both their chosen courses but Jen was going to Stanhope and wanted Kara to be with her. 

Lena was about to lose her. 

Kara had struggled with her decision, obviously feeling torn but Lena wouldn’t make her choose. No, she won’t torment Kara. She won’t make it any harder for her. Maybe the distance would be good for them. For her heart. 

But had she known that things would turn out this way. That she’d hear broken sobs coming from inside Kara’s room. That she would find out what had happened only through gossip running loose at social media because they had to cancel movie night again and the last time they were together alone had been a short moment before Kara’s soccer game two days ago. That Midvale High’s rising soccer player has indeed been spotted fleeing Jennifer Lanvin’s lavish house party in tears. Had she known how foolish she’d been for easily letting a snake wedge her way in between them just so she could break Kara’s heart then Lena would’ve unleashed her claws from the start and stopped her. 

“Kara, it’s me. May I come in?” she asks, closing her eyes as the sobbing suddenly stops. She balls up her fist as anger, regret and sadness reside in her chest. Her jaw clenching at the thought that keeps passing through her mind.

She handed Kara to that girl, trusted her to keep her friend’s heart safe in spite of the war raging in the back of her head. A war she thought only existed because she had feelings for her best friend. That being suspicious and annoyed at Jen wasn’t just because of jealousy. There were signs blaring in front of her but she chose not to look. All for the sake of Kara’s happiness.

“Come in.”

Lena doesn’t know what to expect but she wishes it wasn’t this. The light in Kara’s eyes is gone, her genuine smile nowhere to be found and her energy drained. She looks so small curled up in her bed, tears flowing down her cheeks at the sight of her as Lena holds her close. Arms quickly latch around her as if she’s drowning and Lena’s the only one holding her up.

“I’m here, okay?” she softly says. “I’m here now.”

Kara’s body racks up in sobs as she grips at Lena’s shirt, tears dampening the fabric yet Lena doesn’t care as basically scoops Kara in her arms, blinking back her own tears.

"It was a lie." Kara tells her tearfully. "All of it."

“Don’t leave me.” Kara brokenly cries out softly again and again when Lena tries to pull away, thinking Kara needs the space but arms hold her desperately and Lena's heart clenches. “Please stay, Lena. You’d never leave me, right? Don't ever leave me.”

“Never.” Lena swears it with all her heart despite of the million questions she wants to ask. Yet she still pulls Kara closer, fiercely and protectively, her face buried in blonde locks as she sinks further down the bed.

Lena will get to the bottom of it. Best believe she will. But for now she leaves a promise. This time it’s not left unspoken. This time it’s said out loud, sealed through tears and engraved with love.

“I won’t let go. I promise.”

* * *

“Have you ever been in love?” Kara asks out of the blue as they stand high up in a cliff in front of the breath-taking view of the ocean. Lena hates heights but with such a view, it’s almost worth it. Besides, as long as she stays away from the edge and holds on to Kara’s hand, it’s all good. Safe.

That question on the other hand though is dangerous enough to knock Lena off from the security she thought she had. It’s unexpected, just like how Kara crashed into her life. Lena swears that these questions are all going to be the death of her. 

“You know like… _really fall in love_?” Kara adds, blue eyes gazing straight ahead the setting sun and suddenly Lena finally realizes where all this is coming from. 

When people fall in love it’s like everything else becomes just as bright and shiny as their worlds have become. She’s seen Kara fall for someone before. Lena hates how it’s one of the few memories she has of a Kara who hasn’t still known the catastrophes a broken heart could bring. People in love want that love to be shared, for that feeling to spread all over. Happiness is infectious. Paired with love, more so. 

“Have you?” Lena asks back, a clear deflection. “Has the great Kara Danvers finally fallen to her knees after so many years hopping around pretty flowers?” she tries to say as teasingly as she can muster.

Kara’s hand squeezes hers and Lena doesn’t have to look at her to know that a smile paints her face. 

“It’s inevitable, I guess.” Her best friend whispers, barely even audible through the strong winds. An echo of the words Lena has been plagued with these past few weeks.

“And when am I to meet this _unfortunate_ human being?” Lena, without missing a beat, asks in the same teasing tone, blaming the wind for the sudden sting in her eyes and the tightness of her chest. “You do know that a best friend’s approval is a requirement in a long lasting relationship, right? Also you promised last time I could do a background check on her, hope you haven’t forgotten,” she adds, trying to make it sound like a light hearted joke. It wasn’t. She’s serious about it.

“Of course. Soon. I need you to like her or else…” she answers, leaving the last part hanging as she lets out a soft warm smile and Lena finds her so beautiful it almost hurts.

The sun sinks down the horizon just like Lena’s heart but she does it with a smile. Because after all these years, Kara trusts her. Important enough to share the highest of highs and be witness to the lowest of lows. Feelings be damned. Kara looks very happy and for Lena that’s enough.

“God, I just hope you like her because I… I’m in love with her.” Kara looks down as she admits the truth, bashful and endearing.

And even if it tears Lena apart in the slowest way possible, she still tells her, “Love, huh? You’re really into this _lucky_ girl, aren’t you?” she says, lightly bumping Kara’s shoulder with hers.

Kara nods, lips unable to stop smiling widely,” I haven’t even told Alex this much.”

Beyond the pain, Lena still finds pride at the thought that Kara chose to tell her first than her own sister.

“Fine, I’ll go a _little bit_ easy on her,” Lena huffs, looking up at the sky, a beautiful mixture of deep orange and blue reminding her of the breathless art work Kara had recently done for one of her projects. Her best friend really has come a long way from the lonely little girl who thought she could never belong anywhere again. Who couldn't find someone who'd love her again.

Kara’s melodious laughter fills the air and before she could retort, warm arms envelop her in one of the tightest embrace she’s ever received. Lena pats on her back, hoping that Kara lets her go now before the growing cracks along her heart betrays her and her vision starts to blur with the swell of tears.

“What if… she doesn’t feel the same way for me?” Kara’s voice is small and Lena’s hand stops patting her best friend’s back. She’s still in Kara’s arms and with the way Kara’s arms tighten around her, Lena figures she should try her best to blink back the tears.

Luthor’s don’t cry in front of others. Not even in heart break.

“Then she’s blind and clearly very dumb.” Lena slowly says. “She’s certainly not getting my approval if that’s the case.”

“I’m scared.”

“You’re Kara Danvers. What’s there to be scared of? A billion others are lining up just for your attention.” Lena mutters, closing her eyes and willing the tears to go away.

“I know… but she’s the only one I want.” Kara whispers. “And I’ve never really wanted anything this badly.”

“Well then,” Lena starts, hoping that the tremble in her voice doesn’t show. “Let’s win her over, okay? C’mon, where’s the confident star player I know? Besides, you have a Luthor as a friend. We’re good at impressing people. I can lend you a few of my tricks and some perks. Just say the word.”

She hears Kara sniff and exhale before releasing her hold on her. And Lena, like the Luthor she is, schools her emotions back in check, hiding any traces of the pain. She’s happy for Kara. She truly is. But a part of her is falling apart and it’s not something she can stop.

It’s always inevitable.

Promises are meant to be broken. But Lena doesn’t believe that there’s a promise she could ever break. Not when she rarely gives them. Unfortunately, she’s given one to Kara and she’s left with no other choice but to do the right thing. For she doesn’t hold Kara’s heart.

“Are you sure about that?” Kara asks. “Because this time I’m putting everything on the line.”

Lena’s lips curve into a small smile. Something inside her dies and contrary to what she’s expected the storm in her heart is calmer. 

“I'm sure. I promise.”

I’ll let you go when the time comes

_But she has loved another and her thoughts are always in the past; and her conscience seems to bother her even at the thought of a possible new love. But there is a saying, and you know it, “Il faut avoir aimé, puis désaimé, puis aimer encore” [one must have loved, then unloved, then love again]._

_“Aimez encore: ma chère, ma trois fois chère, ma bien aimée - “ [love again: my dear, my three times dear, my beloved -]._

_\--Excerpt from the letters of Vincent Van Gogh to his brother Theo about his unrequited love for Cornelia Adriana Vos-Stricker; Nov 7th 1881_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for patiently waiting! I was stuck writing the last chapter of my other story so it took me a while to get back to this. It's been months since I uploaded SMAGMDC out of the blue and I'm very happy to know that a lot of you would like me to continue. This won't be a very long story so I'm thinking about writing two more chapters? Anyways, I hope you guys like it.
> 
> Follow me @redchocopanda or @lovemcgrath on Tumblr!


	3. Trois

**Spare Me A Glance, My Dear Cornelia**

_Theo, I love her, her and no other, her forever. And, and, and, Theo, although the `no, never, ever' still "seems" to be in full sway, there is a feeling of something like redemption within me, and it is as if she and I had stopped being two and were united for all eternity._

_\--Excerpt from the letters of Vincent Van Gogh to his brother Theo about his unrequited love for Cornelia Adriana Vos-Stricker; Nov 18th 1881_

Afternoons in the library are sometimes spent lazily watching the clouds float by from the wide window panels. When reading science journals about nanotechnology becomes too much, sixteen year old Lena would find her gaze wondering outside from where she is seated. Midvale High’s library is huge for a regular school library and Lena loves how it is designed. Down below, at the common area, there are long rectangular tables parallel to each other where most students camp out all throughout the day, but tucked in the corners of the second floor offers a bit of privacy. Not to mention, the circular sofa seats are comfortable enough for her to spend hours studying without any disturbance. 

At this moment, however, her eyes seemed to have given up on her as she massages the light throb at her temples. She suddenly wonders if she needs glasses. Lena hopes it’s not the case as she looks out the windows yet again, her head resting against the cushions and her white long sleeves now rolled up to her elbows. It’s peaceful until something heavy drops on her lap all of a sudden, almost making her jolt from her seat. 

Looking down, she finds soft blonde hair spilling all over her thighs, her uniform skirt, down to the velvet cushions. Expressive brilliant blue eyes look up at her in a way that makes her heart skip a beat.

“I’m hungry.” Kara pouts up at her all doe-eyed. Alex calls it cheating. Lena silently agrees. It’s a powerful tool to get anybody to do anything she wants. Too powerful. And unfortunately Kara has perfected it.

“So am I.” Lena responds monotonously, unable to hold herself back as she softly runs her fingers through blonde locks.

“I’ve been waiting for you.” Kara informs her with a sigh.

“For how long exactly? Five minutes? _I’ve_ been waiting for you for three hours.” Lena mutters in a bored manner.

“But coach had been training us like crazy! I feel like I’m about to die, Lena. Still, if you’ve seen me crawling up the stairs like a sloth a minute ago just so I can get to you, _so_ you wouldn’t have to walk all the way to the soccer field, you’d love me more.” Kara moans, her hands tiredly swaying left and right as she explains. 

She’s wearing their school soccer team’s sweater and shorts. She gave Lena a matching sweater a week ago. It had Danvers written on it and maybe it’s been her favorite sleep wear ever since.

But it’s not what makes Lena’s fingers still from combing through Kara’s long locks. It’s the word ‘love’ and it has her heart treacherously beating furiously in her chest that she might as well have irregular palpitations. She’s starting to hate how Kara uses the word so carelessly, not knowing how much it affects her. 

“Bold of you to assume that I love you.” She throws back, regretting it instantly when those blue eyes widen paired with an exaggerated gasp leave Kara’s lips.

“How—how could you say such a thing?!” Kara dramatically whispers, looking as if she’s just been backstabbed by someone she trusted so dearly as she clutches her chest. 

“Bold of me to assume?? I mean—wow—you’re cold Lena Kieran Luthor… you’re so… so heartless!” she continues to gasp as Lena rolls her eyes at the theatrics and shakes her head in disbelief. 

“How are you not in the drama club? Because this,” she says, motioning her hands all over Kara’s face, “would be great in theater.”

That earns her another dramatic reaction of sheer betrayal that is so adorably funny she had to subtly hide her smile at the back of her hand.

Her best friend abruptly sits up next to her, arms crossed as she glumly looks away. “Gave her years of love, friendship and loyalty… yet she’s still so cold to me… treating me this way…” Kara grumbles to herself.

“She loves me she says as she complains about me.” Lena says with a smirk, leaning closer to rest her chin on Kara’s shoulder.

“Don’t touch me, you heartless being.” Kara says petulantly as she moves away.

“Potstickers?” she suggests as they walk out of the library, smiling at the fact that Kara is still carrying Lena’s books in one arm despite this childish act.

“You cannot bribe me.”

“Lots of potstickers?” she tries again as they walk side by side.

“I will not be swayed with your lies!” Kara replies haughtily yet holds her hand as they cross the road. She doesn’t let go of Lena even after they do. Nor when they enter Kara’s favorite Chinese fast food chain nearby. Nor when they take a seat at their favorite spot. 

“Still mad?” Lena casually says as she pushes the huge tray of potstickers in front of her best friend.

“I’ve just been betrayed.” Kara mutters glumly as Lena takes the chopsticks and picks up a potsticker.

“And here I thought you love me,” She continues before offering the food right in front of Kara’s lips.

It doesn’t even take two seconds when silently, Kara takes a bite, eating half of the offered potsticker, chewing fast before eyeing the rest of the piece. Lena lifts it up again and this time Kara finishes the rest in one big bite. Smiling in amusement, Lena picks a piece for herself to eat, observing the way Kara eyes the tray then back at her.

“More?” she asks and when Kara nods her head like an eager child, Lena’s smile stretches as she feeds her another. Then another. And another. And another. And another. And another.

“This doesn’t change anything.” Kara says in between munching her food and sipping soda. Lena simply feeds her again.

“I’m still hurt.” Kara continues.

Lena orders two more trays.

“How about a hug?” she finally lets out, ultimately admitting defeat, as she drops Kara off in front of her house. Normally she doesn’t offer. She actually never does. It’s always been Kara who initiates but Lena knows it’s the only option left. The one option she knows Kara wants her to take.

Heavy footsteps stop before turning back and in a flash Lena is wrapped in a tight embrace that almost makes her stumble backwards. Kara’s cheeky grin only manages to make her roll her eyes. Because of course that’s what she wanted. For Lena to yield and show affection.

“Ha! I knew it. You love me.” Kara confidently says.

If only Kara knew how much, she probably won’t be smiling so much. She wouldn’t be looking so carefree. She wouldn’t look at Lena and their friendship the same way. So Lena bites back her reply, pushing down her true feelings back into a box and letting Kara squeeze her tightly.

“Movie night tomorrow?” Kara enthusiastically says as if nothing happened. Lena chuckles lightly only to remember something that secretly has her heart dropping.

“I thought you were going out with Jen tomorrow?” she asks, looking at Kara’s confused face, “Saturday?” she offers, hoping to jog her best friend’s memory of when Jen had suddenly squeezed in between them at the hallway to talk about weekend plans. 

Lena naturally declines with another excuse. She knows the offer was really just for Kara alone. She wasn’t blind. Jen and Kara had been ‘officially’ together for about five months now, suddenly making them the new popular couple in school. Five months since Kara’s time and attention had been divided between her girlfriend and best friend. 

Lena knows that without Kara, she and Jen would never really get along. They had nothing in common except the fact that they both belong to upper class families. They share different views, never agree on the same thing and have even clashed back in middle school over a class project. They haven’t spoken to each other since then until Kara.

Sweet, pure-hearted Kara, who doesn’t want to neglect both. So Lena tries to make it easier for her. She hates having to put her in the spot. She doesn’t want Kara to have to choose. To even think of such trivial things that aren’t even supposed to be thought of. That’s not right. Kara deserves the world and Lena is going to give it to her. All of it.

“Oh… was that tomorrow?” Kara mumbles to herself as she checks her phone. Several unread message notifications and a missed call—none of which she heard ringing ever since they stepped out of school—doesn’t escape Lena’s eyes but Kara automatically swipes it all away, looking up at her with a smile.

“Ah, right! We’re having lunch at Noonan’s before going to the bowling alley with her friends _but_ I promised not to miss out on movie night this week so get the popcorn ready tomorrow at seven, okay?”

“We can always watch any day. It doesn’t really have to be a Sat—“

“Uh-uh, no. A promise is a promise! We’ll have movie night tomorrow. Period!” Kara firmly declares and Lena reluctantly drops the subject. Because even if she knows that Kara would probably arrive late tomorrow for movie night, exhausted and apologetic, her best friend would still do everything to make good on her promise. 

Kara considers every promise she’s given to be sacred.

So even if Jen decides to join in on their traditional movie night _yet again_ , Lena uncharacteristically relents quietly. For Kara, she’d do anything. Accept anything. If she were to dwell on it, she’d hate how soft Kara had made her. How considerate she’s become. She’s a Luthor after all and they don’t bow down to others. But hating Kara is an unthinkable crime so Lena refuses to dwell.

When Kara instinctively reaches out to squeeze her hand on the scary parts of the movie in spite having Jen wrapped in her other arm, Lena’s heart weeps at the truth she’s realized.

If giving Kara the world would mean having to give her up to somebody more capable of making her happier then Lena would do so.

A tragic love.

* * *

Lena closes the book she’s reading, taking off her reading glasses as she leans her head back against her bed’s headboard. She’ll have to finish the chapter she is reading tomorrow because frankly, she’s more tired than she thought she was. Hopping around the city all day with Kara has made her forgotten how much she hates physical activities. Wherever Kara gets that endless hyped up energy from she has no idea. 

Looking up the ceiling, she sighs audibly before closing her eyes. She also hates how her mind keeps wandering back to their conversation earlier. Dread creeps up inside her. She was supposed to tell Kara today about her internship in London--she _should’ve_ told her months ago. It would’ve been so easy to just casually bring it up in between food and light-hearted chat but when Kara suddenly spills her heart bare, Lena finds it difficult to follow that up after her best friend admits to falling in love with a girl Lena has yet to meet. 

Telling Kara that she’s leaving and that they are going to be apart for the first time in years is never going to be easy. Not when Kara’s future plans involve the both of them in National City. Not when her best friend keeps reminding her that Lena is obligated to watch her big games even if she takes over the company—which honestly, would take Lena, probably, a good thirty years if Lex would go on relinquishing his CEO status for her as he seems to always joke about way too many times to even consider it as a joke anymore.

Perhaps, as Lena deduces, the perfect time to tell her would be when she meets Kara’s future girlfriend. Now that Kara has seemed to have her heart mended from the past hurt, then she’d probably let Lena off easier for the two months she’s lied about her plans after both their graduation ceremonies. 

London hadn’t been in Lena’s sights before, even though she did toy on the idea of getting a couple months of experience abroad. It’s not like she needed that added to her already outstanding resume. Lex was right about the fact that they would take-over Luthor Corp soon. That was always the plan anyway and because Lena had loved researching, inventing and building anything she can get her hands on ever since she was a child, working for Luthor Corp’s R&D department had always been her dream. Working on projects in the lab would be her goal but as a Luthor, it is certain that being director of research and development would ultimately be where she would find herself. Soon enough she’d be pushed up to Chief Technological Officer where her father planned her to be. She’s already certain that he has already had her name carved in a glass plate for her future office just like when Lex graduated.

A weight suddenly drops down on her lap breaking her train of thought and Lena opens her eyes, not entirely surprised. Looking down, she finds Kara lying down comfortably with her head on Lena’s thighs, looking ready for bed with her oversized shirt and cotton shorts. She’s brought her favorite pillow, currently hugging it actually, which leads Lena to believe that Kara will be sleeping in her room again.

“You forgot to change your bed sheets again?” she asks in a matter-of-fact tone.

“I didn’t! I changed them yesterday, remember?” Kara responds defensively. “But then I spilled stupid juice on it so now there’s a huge stain in the middle and it’s too exhausting having to change them again!” she rants.

“I really don’t want to know what kind of stains you have in your sheets.” Lena mumbles but Kara catches it and lightly hits her with a pillow for it.

“I don’t bring women here Lena! You know I never do,” Kara points out. “That’s the first rule of our roommate hand book, right? ‘No one night stands in our apartment’. I always follow the rules,” Kara continues to add and Lena simply arches her brow at that. Surprisingly, Kara herself made that rule.

“What? You don’t believe me?”

“I didn’t say anything,” Lena throws back.

“You thought it. I read it in your eyes.”

“I’d say that’s impossible but as much as I hate to admit it… scientifically speaking, telepathy _is_ actually possible to achieve given the right devices. Possibly through implanted electrodes in the brain that would sense the change in activity within our brain cells—”

“Nerd.” Kara teases with a small smile, playful blue eyes staring up at her.

“Don’t make me kick you out of the bed.” Lena retorts.

“You wouldn’t.” Kara easily replies, “You get cold easily and you’re a cuddler.”

“I am not!” Lena quickly says, offended at the notion.

“But you are,” Kara says, “It’s cute. When you sleep, you usually start hugging your pillow but when I’m next to you, you snuggle close into my side then you put your arms around me and then tuck your head into my neck. Then you sleep like that for the rest of the night.” She enumerates, each information shocking Lena. She didn’t know any of that.

“That’s a lie. I don’t… do that.”

“I’m serious. You do—Not that it’s a bad thing! I’m totally fine with it. It does get so much colder at night so I don’t really mind.” Kara adds.

Lena doesn’t know what to make of this except maybe add this to the list of horrifyingly embarrassing things she’s done. The list is short but that one must take the top spot. 

“Hey,” Kara softly says interrupting her mental breakdown, tugging at Lena’s sweater to get her attention before proceeding to whisper. “I was just messing with you. You should see your face right now.”

A cackling Kara gets a pillow smacked to her face and kicked out of the bed in seconds.

“Lena, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please let me sleep in your super soft comfy queen sized bed.” Kara cries out as she tries to crawl back on the mattress remorsefully.

“NO.”

Eventually, Kara still happily ends up right next to her after all that pleading and Lena consciously tries to remind herself to stay on her side of the bed lest her body betrays her. It’s bad enough that she’s in love with her best friend in the first place. And despite the opportunity of being able to do so, she’d never even think of taking advantage of her, even when she’s asleep. So when Lena wakes up in the middle of the night, her head bumping against Kara’s, their faces inches away with her hand on Kara’s arm, she silently berates her foolish unconscious self, slowly turning at the opposite direction and keeping her hands close to her chest, far from the tempting warmth. 

It’s hard falling asleep after that. She exhales out loud deciding to stop trying and just get up to brew some tea instead when an arm drapes around her middle. A warm body presses against hers and suddenly Lena forgets how to breathe. Kara’s forehead lightly bumps against the back of her head, her soft little sigh hitting Lena’s nape. Lena stays completely still, wondering what she’s supposed to do next. Waking Kara up would be her first choice but Kara needs to be early tomorrow for soccer practice and needs all the sleep she can get so Lena decides against it at the last minute. 

“So who’s the cuddler now?” she quietly sighs.

But it’s one in the morning and it’s a whole different world past midnight. Lena’s heart rules over her head at this ungodly hour. Unable to push Kara away, her shoulders relax and she welcomes the warmth. Her eyelids slowly close as she lets Kara’s even breathing lull her to sleep.

If she only has these rare nights to be as close to Kara like this then it’s best to treasure the moment. To let herself believe that they are more than. To imagine the what ifs and the maybes. To forget that Kara loves someone else. To let her hand rest against Kara’s arm and not be scared of crossing the line.

Just one night. It might be enough. 

* * *

“I won’t let go. I promise.”

Lena holds Kara as if she’s the only thing that matters. Like she’d disappear if she’d let go. Her best friend proceeds to cry silently and Lena feels helpless. She hates it so much. She hates Jen and everything about her. Yet with all the power her last name holds, she couldn’t even do anything for Kara at this moment.

How does one even fix back the broken pieces of a heart?

Time ticks away and finally after an agonizing amount of time, Kara’s tears finally ebb away. It dissolves into sniffles and her hardened fists grasping Lena’s shirt finally loosen. 

“I’m sorry.” Kara quietly tells her. It’s almost like a whisper and Lena couldn’t shake away the pain she feels for her.

“For what?” Lena asks, ready to dismiss whatever Kara’s reason is. She did nothing wrong. She could never.

“For being the worst friend in the world.”

Lena is shaking her head before Kara even finishes her sentence.

“How could you be? You’ve been nothing but the best. Annoying, yes, but still, the best.” Lena says, trying to at least lighten the mood, even for just a bit.

It seemed to work. A little chuckle vibrating from Kara’s chest is enough of an answer.

“I kept cancelling on you and being late to movie night many times but here you are, right next to me when I badly needed you, sacrificing your blissfully peaceful weekend just to hear me cry. Gosh, I even ruined your shirt.” Kara enumerates, tears already pooling at the corner of her eyes.

True enough Lena did have a peaceful boring night, beating Lex at chess yet again while listening to Lillian drone on about a relative’s upcoming wedding to their father. 

But then what good is peaceful if Lena’s head is constantly somewhere else? What good is quiet if she longs to be out in the chaos with the girl whose hugs feel like summer and whose laughter would instantly wash out all the worries in her chest? 

Because the truth is, anywhere is better where Kara is.

“Well then, I guess you have no choice but to make up for it.” She says, eyebrow arching up smugly.

“Guess I have no choice but to take care of this sleepyhead for the rest of my life then,” Kara replies back, echoing her words and catching Lena off guard when she reaches up to touch her cheek, eyes staring right at her making Lena painfully aware of the close proximity they’re in. But it’s that small smile stretching slowly across her lips that takes Lena’s ability to breathe.

And for a moment, it’s almost as if Kara feels the same way. It’s almost like the very thing Lena secretly wishes. To have Kara look at her the way she did with Jen.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Lena finds herself saying, reeling her heart back in as she reminds herself what brought her here in the first place. 

To swoop Kara away the moment she ends it with Jen just feels like she’s been waiting for this moment, like a conniving thief taking advantage of a vulnerable and broken heart. 

Lena is not a thief. She’d never stoop that low and towards her best friend of all people. Love doesn’t work that way. At least, that she knows from hours of reading all those novels from her favorite classical authors.

“I know.” Kara softly says. “That’s why I’m making it. A promise is a promise.”

“Okay then, you can start by perfecting how to draw my left angle, taking cooking lessons and brewing the perfect cup of coffee.”

Kara’s smile widens at that, looking like a mirror of her old self for the first time that night.

“Guess, I’m doomed.” Kara breathes out jokingly.

“Guess, you are.”

* * *

Kara’s long gone for soccer practice when Lena wakes up, the scent of her body wash still lingering in the sheets and Lena hates how soft it makes her feel. She clutches her best friend’s pillow close to her chest and closes her eyes, thoughts clouded with nothing but expressive blue eyes. 

Kara’s a bad habit. She’s Lena’s bad habit and yet no matter what she does, Lena can’t cut her out of her system. 

Well, she did try, at one point.

It came with a name. Jack Spheer, handsome, smart, charismatic and sweet, was the closest she got to severing her feelings for her best friend. He could’ve been the one. Lena thought it too, tried her hardest to make it last. But bad habits are hard to get rid of. Not when you aren’t ready. Not when a part of you still doesn’t truly want them gone. 

Lena is like an addict spiraling into a relapse after a year of being clean and Jack can’t make her pull out of it. It wasn’t his fault. He loved her. She might’ve loved him too. It just wasn’t enough. He deserved better.

Combing her fingers through her hair, Lena tries to get her day started. And for Lena the day starts at 11:25 in the morning. It’s why the majority of her classes are in the afternoon. She even has evening classes. All for the sake of not having to pull herself out of her bed early in the morning. Only Kara has that kind of energy.

After fixing her bed, she walks to the door, feet dragging against the floor with her reluctance to leave the bed. When she opens the door, white pretty flowers greet her. Plumerias are Lena’s favorite. They are fragrant beautiful flowers and Lena loved the tree they grow in back at her grandmother’s home. 

“Morning!” Kara‘s cheery voice greets her. The bouquet is replaced by that familiar wide smile and it takes Lena a few moments before the gears in her brain kick in. 

Kara is holding a bouquet of Plumerias in front of her.

“Passed by this cute little flower shop and saw these lovely flowers,” Lena catches her saying as Kara proceeds to walk in her bedroom, towards her night stand, putting the flowers in a vase filled halfway with water, her enthusiasm palpable as she continues on.

She doesn’t say ask why her best friend would walk to the opposite direction of their apartment just to ‘pass by’ that flower shop Lena is familiar with. She also doesn’t comment on how hard it is to find Plumerias from where they live since they grow elsewhere. Once, it took her months to have the rare beauties reserved and delivered by that very flower shop. She wants to point all these facts but deep down she’ll only be feeding that spark of hope she’s long been trying to extinguish. This is her best friend Kara doing what she usually does. Nothing new.

Damn these bad habits.

“I made brunch. Brewed some coffee too,” Kara says as she re-arranges the flowers in the vase.

“You’re spoiling me,” Lena comments, following Kara before leaning against the wall, eyeing the flowers, reaching out to tenderly brush her finger against the petals.

“I might get used to this and you're going to regret it,” Lena jokes. If she were honest with herself, it’s far from a joke. It’s too late for that. She’s in too deep.

“If soccer doesn’t work out and my paintings don’t sell, I might consider applying as your personal chef and all around help.” Kara playfully replies, blue eyes dancing with mirth.

“Ah, but that’s impossible. Your fans would disagree and I plan to be the first to buy a Kara Danvers painting.” Lena confidently says, eyebrow arching up like a challenge. Kara has a bright future ahead of her and Lena can already see it. The world would be lucky to meet Kara Danvers and many more hearts are bound to be captured by the talented and beautiful blonde.

Pulling Lena away from her thoughts, Kara reaches for her pocket and takes out what looks like an invitation before handing it out to her. “And that’s why you get special VIP tickets to my art exhibit.”

Lena takes the invitation, looking down at the fine print. It looks fancy and it makes her feel proud of her best friend. Kara has a come a long way and now she’s about to debut as a professional artist under the alias ‘Zorel’, Kara’s surname before being adopted. A tribute to her late parents.

“And what exactly are the special perks of this VIP ticket?” Lena asks, genuinely curious. 

“A detailed tour of the gallery from the artist herself of course!” Kara eagerly answers.

“I’d be honored,” Lena replies, “but won’t I be getting in the way of a certain special someone? I assume your mystery love will be there?” Lena asks, trying to push that familiar feeling of dread and sadness away. To instead replace it with curiosity and acceptance. Besides, where else would be a better place to meet the woman who has managed to embolden Kara’s heart to trust and love again? Certainly, the lucky lady must have the golden invitation in her hands by now. 

The lucky nameless lady for which Kara still refuses to reveal and that’s because, as she insists, Lena should meet her first before having her background checked out by hiring a private investigator, as a Luthor always does before meeting people. Not that Lena always does this, of course, she’s not like her father, her step-mother or Lex, but when it comes to Kara, she’d do everything to make sure that this one isn’t going to be another Jen. People may call her overprotective or ‘extra’, or some other description about rich people doing immensely ridiculous things, but Lena would rather be called paranoid than find the person she loves the most shattered yet again by someone unworthy of her love.

“She’ll be there.” Kara says with a meaningful smile, eyes falling down on the Plumerias. 

“I…” her best friend trails off, suddenly looking bashful.

“I plan to tell her how I feel at the opening night.” Blue eyes glance up at her for a moment, gauging her reaction, sounding hopeful and yet still filled with nervousness which is rare to find in the ever confident Kara.

“And that’s why I need my best friend. You have to be there,” Kara softly emphasizes, “because if things… don’t go as I hope then at least you’ll be there to pull me out of the gutter. Then, at some point, you’ll have to stop me from devouring buckets of ice-cream, pizza, an _unhealthy_ amount of potstickers and maybe give me a much needed hug as I ugly cry for the rest of the night,” she exhales out loud.

“You definitely have _not_ been thinking about this night at all, huh?” Lena teases, crossing her arms as she eyes Kara in amusement. She gets a laugh in response and Lena will probably never get tired of that melodious sound.

“No, not all,” Kara smiles.

“Well, as long as you don’t start rambling out in your incoherent alien language or pass out during your love confession then I believe you’ll be just fine.” Lena assures her. Kara groans at her words.

“God, I’ll probably do that thing again where I can’t think or act and just mess up,” she huffs, looking defeated.

“Alright, let’s not go down that very depressing road now.” Lena quickly counters, placing her hands on Kara’s shoulders.

“Tell me, how do you plan to go about it?” she asks, searching Kara’s eyes.

“The confession?” Kara uncertainly asks.

“Yes Kara, the confession, what else? How do you plan to get to it?”

“I prepared a gift for her? A painting.” Kara provides and as Lena stares at her with a look that urges her to continue she finally lets out, “And then I’ll try to tell her how… crazy in love I am about her without sounding like an idiot?”

Lena slowly nods, trying to be more encouraging as Kara hangs her head and sighs, “I’m totally going to mess up, am I? I’m going to freeze and I’m going to ramble non-stop till I faint from the lack of oxygen!”

“Well…” Lena draws out, trying to calm her best friend down with a soothing pat on the shoulder, before an idea suddenly pops up, “…why don’t you just write it down?”

Kara slowly looks up back at her with confusion, “Like a cheat sheet or a script? ‘Cause that seems a little—”

“No, no, no,” Lena shakes her head. “Like a love letter, Kara,” she breathes out, feeling more and more confident about her suggestion as her lips break into a smile.

“You’re a very good with a pen and a paper! You used to write for the school paper before—god, if you can’t say the words then why not just write them?” Lena exclaims.

“Know what? You’re a genius, Lena Luthor!” Kara gleefully says before pulling her in for a hug, lifting her up and spinning her around despite her squeals of protest. When Kara finally puts her back down on her feet, it takes Lena a moment to steady herself. 

“This is why I love you!” Kara bursts out, wide smile and all. Her words scratching at Lena’s heart. She lets it bleed.

“Oh dear, I only have four days left. I-I should get to it!” Kara quickly mutters, the realization dawning on her, before she leaves, rushing out of her bedroom in seconds as if the last few moments never happened.

Finally getting to breath normally, Lena looks down on the invitation in her hand knowing that in four days Kara will soon be with someone else and that she’d have to tell Kara about London. Opening one of her closet’s drawers, she places the invitation next to her travel and internship documents. The airport ticket Lex had booked glaring at her.

Breaking a bad habit would be a struggle, it’ll be extremely painful and exhausting, there might even be moments when she’d doubt herself, but this time, Lena is certain. She needs to learn how to finally let go of Kara Danvers. 

* * *

“Lena!” sixteen year old Kara drunkenly calls out as soon as Lena steps in the old light house, their secret spot. It’s where Kara first had a taste of alcohol five months ago when Lena stole a bottle of gin from her father’s alcohol cabinet. They had mixed it with some juice and ended up vomiting a couple of hours later from consuming too much.

It was all fun and laughter then. Tonight, looking at those familiar blue eyes, it’s entirely something else. It’s been a week since Kara and Jen broke up. A week since Kara had cried in her arms all night, desperately begging her to stay. A week since her best friend had… changed. 

It doesn’t help that going to school has been like a nightmare with all the rumors and the whispering along the corridors. Having been a popular couple, it’s expected that the break-up would be much talked about. So Lena holds Kara’s hand as they walk, placing a pair of headphones over her best friend’s ears and stirring her away from the crowd. With her presence, the whispers turn into silence. With her presence, she makes sure that Jen and her annoying group of friends stay the hell away from Kara. Shielding Kara from all of it, Lena decides to pull some strings. If she needs to become the privileged princess they dub her to be then so be it. 

“There you are! I was starting to miss you,” Kara says, her words slurred as she stumbles towards Lena, her eyes lighting up and face splitting into a stupid grin. 

Keeping her upright and steady, Lena can smell the strong odor of beer, “Kara… I’m here to take you home.”

All she gets in reply is laughter.

“Too early! And you just got here. Drink with me. Just one can wouldn’t hurt, right?” Kara says with a smile, pulling her along as Lena takes note of the number of empty cans. She’s almost sure that a certain Alex Danvers will not be happy to find out that her little sister has taken her precious secret stash of beer. She’d probably be standing still as a human shield for Kara against Alex’s fury tomorrow. Which is why she’s sent her a message of apology in advance just so her anger slightly lowers from an 11 to a 7 by sunrise.

Kara shoves a can in her hands, bumping her own can against it before drinking one long sip of it. Kara doesn’t really like drinking. She thinks alcohol tastes too bitter for her sweet-loving palate. Lena clenches her fist at the thought of her best friend having to endure those times when Jen would hold parties where drinking is a must. It’s why Kara asked her help in learning how to drink.

“Kara, we’re drinking this last one and then we go home, okay?” Lena gently reminds her as she sits on the laid out blanket next to Kara.

“But I don’t want to go home yet! You just got here!” Kara whines, scooting closer to Lena and latching on to her arm like a koala. 

“I didn’t think you’d want to go home either. Your sister is going to kill you first before your parents even find that their sixteen year old daughter is out here getting drunk.” Lena says with a sigh, “You’re sleeping over at my place.”

“Sleepover!” Kara excitedly says before Lena could even finish her sentence which only makes her shake her head in amusement. Drunk Kara is like a child high on sugar, all mischievous and giggly.

“I like sleeping with you,” Kara drawls, head dropping down Lena’s shoulder as her hold around Lena’s arm tightens.

“Your bed is so soft and big. It’s so warm and you smell so good! We should just sleep together every night.” Kara continues, unaware at the flustered look Lena is sporting at the moment with those very words.

“Next to each other,” Lena softly corrects, “Sleep _next_ to each other.”

But her words go straight to deaf ears because Kara is chanting ‘shots’, which is funny because they’re drinking beer in a can. Lena humors her, taking a long sip of the bitter liquid before checking her phone to find a couple of messages. One from Eliza, reminding them not to stay up too late, a couple from Lex who keeps asking where they are because Eliza would most certainly call to confirm about the sleepover and a string of furious messages from Alex in all caps, followed by the subtle concern disguised as a warning not to let Kara get _too_ drunk.

Lena replies to Eliza’s message first, assuring her that Kara is okay. She knows they are worried about her, knows that the Danvers’ have asked Lena to keep an eye out for her because right now Kara still wouldn’t talk to anyone about it, constantly avoiding the topic and only preferring Lena’s company since that night. They are basically back to how they were before Jen entered the picture. Only this time, Kara seems glued to her side even more. Spending all her free time with Lena. Seeking her out when they are apart and constantly in contact with her until late at night. The sleepovers have increased and now it feels like Lena’s whole world is just filled with Kara. She doesn’t blame her best friend though. Break ups are never easy and having the whole school know about it makes it a hundred times worse. Kara needs her more than ever and Lena would be there next to her, no questions asked.

She should be happy. She can have Kara all to herself now. No more apologies about cancelling movie nights and after school hang outs. No more Jen to pull them apart whenever they walk and eat together. No more jealousy. No more of that playing pretend for the sake of everyone getting along. Wasn’t this better? Wasn’t this what she secretly wished for?

_No. Not like this._

Lena presses send on her phone, deciding to reply to the other messages later. She takes another sip of the beer, hoping that the bitterness she tastes is from the beer itself and not from something else.

She disliked Jen then. Probably even hated her. She might have secretly wished for the relationship to end. But at what cost?

_Kara’s heart broken to pieces._

“I wish we could go somewhere far,” Kara suddenly says, her voice loosing that playful tone as it drops down into something wistful.

“We will in a couple of months,” Lena replies as they both look out into the view of the ocean, the sound of waves rolling down the beach echoing through the night. 

“College isn’t that far but it’s far enough,” Lena continues, eyeing a couple of yachts and fishing boats passing by. 

“I can’t wait.” Kara hums and Lena suddenly realizes that she hasn’t really asked Kara yet if she still considers going to Stanhope now that she and Jen had broke-up.

“Cotler Argo would be amazing,” Kara sighs, providing the answer Lena was curious about. “It’s just too bad that our buildings are so far from each other.”

“Well, more exercise for you then.” Lena simply says as Kara playfully shoves her.

“Why do I always have to make the effort? Can’t you come to me just once?” she pouts, hooking her hands around Lena’s arm again.

“I would. You just never gave me a chance to do so.” Lena says without thinking and when it hits, the room suddenly feels so small. And for once she almost lets her feelings slip. She curses the night, the ocean, Kara’s shampoo and the beer.

“You’d really do that for me?” Kara softly asks and Lena feels her chest tighten with that growing spark of hope emerging from the box she tried to lock it in.

_What if… what if it’s okay?_

“Yes.”

_What if Lex was wrong? What if… Kara and I can be… more?_

“For you I would.”

“That’s how it should be, isn’t it?” Kara muses, seemingly talking to herself.

“What is?” Lena asks, confused at Kara’s words.

“Relationships.” Kara says, glassy blue eyes looking at her. “That’s… how it should be. And yet, there I was giving everything to someone who wouldn’t even budge. Not even for me.”

Tears slip at the corner of her best friend’s eyes, her words a bit slurred yet still so clear of the pain beneath them. 

“Turns out, they really didn’t have any intention to do so not only because they’re already doing it for someone else but because I’m also just a laughable fool they can play with.” She sobs and Lena feels her heart break for her. A strong sense of protectiveness suddenly erupting inside her, mixing in with the anger already bubbling near the surface.

“Kara,” she softly sighs, hands coming up to brush away Kara’s tears before resting on her best friend’s shoulders. 

“You’re no fool. You loved someone, someone who didn’t know how precious that love was, how lucky they were to have it. She’s the fool for not knowing that she had the best right there in her hands and chose not to keep it.”

Kara holds on to her arms tightly, her head dropping low as her tears continuously make their way down her cheeks. Her forehead bumps against Lena’s and it feels so right that Lena almost unlocks all the boxes she’s kept hidden for so long.

_If it were me, I’d treasure it, all that love. If it were me, I’d run the distance between us, no matter how far it may be, just to get to you…_

“Kara, I—“

Soft warm lips press against hers, the loud beating of her own heart drowning every noise in her head. She’s unable to comprehend what is really happening until Kara’s lips move against hers, fitting together like the missing puzzle piece, hands cupping Lena’s face and as a gush of pure happiness rushes in Lena’s chest, she closes her eyes to let herself fall in the moment.

To finally let herself drown in all the affections she held back for so long.

_…because that’s how much I love you._

* * *

Lena thinks she’s fated to be alone for most of her life. She’s first thought this ever since her birth mother died. Then as she began her life in America as a Luthor. Then at school when everyone finds her too intimidating. Or when she finally realizes that the smiles in front of her were fake and people had only been drawn to her because of her family’s prestigious reputation. She’s thought this when Lex left for college and then eventually, for abroad, their conversations getting shorter through time. She’s thought this when Jack breaks up with her amidst a sad tearful embrace. She’s also thought this when she imagines working for her family, the position far up top the company hierarchy for anyone to reach is surely a lonesome journey. She’s even thought this again and again when Kara Danvers became her first best friend, her first _real_ friend.

But Kara, lovely and sweet, proved her wrong year after year ever since then. For a moment Lena thinks there had been a crack forming in between them but turns out, it would pull them even closer together. Now that they are about to graduate college, another crack is starting to form itself and Lena fears that this might be it. 

The moment Kara finally drifts away from her and Lena shall again, be alone. 

She’d easily accepted it before. Lena didn’t really fear loneliness. It’s been her friend for so long. But with Kara crashing down her life, she’s suddenly taught otherwise. So now she is drowned with that crippling thought. That overwhelming loneliness seeping right inside her lungs, her veins, her head and her heart. But more than that, she fears losing the one person she finally believed would stay. 

If only she known that it’d happen sooner than she expected then… _then what?_ Sadly, there are no answers for that question. She can’t think of one.

“Lena, do you have a pair of scissors?” Kara asks from outside the bathroom, loud enough to hear through the shower’s glass partition.

“Check the drawers,” she shouts back, not giving it much thought as she turns on the shower again, letting the relaxing warm water pour down all over her, rinsing off the remaining soap suds off her body. It takes her a good five minutes until an alarming thought comes blinking through her mind.

Finishing up, she quickly grabs her bath robe and towel, hair still dripping wet as she pads inside her room to find her best friend standing still inside her walk-in closet, holding Lena’s one-way ticket to London. The date of departure glaring from afar. Four months from now, two days after her graduation ceremony and a day right after Kara’s graduation ceremony. She’s made sure to at least be there when Kara gets up on stage to receive her diploma. 

“Kara,” she starts, swallowing a lump in her throat and finding herself unable to continue.

Her best friend turns around, eyes filled with confusion then something akin to betrayal. 

“You’re going to London?” was the only thing Kara asks, lifting up the ticket. On the other hand, Lena’s letter of internship. She hopes Kara hadn’t read the date. If she did, she’d know how long she’d kept this from her.

Heart beating loudly, Lena tries to remain calm, deciding to explain it in the most casual way possible. “Internship. I’ll be working with Lex.”

A mixture of emotions cross through Kara’s face, looking away and then back to Lena again. “Wait,” she breathes out, letting out a brief smile of disbelief, “How… how long?”

“A year, maybe more. It’s… indefinite as of now.”

“And you haven’t mentioned this to me, why?” Kara asks, seemingly finding her voice as her words spill one after another. 

“I was going to—“

“When? After we graduate? Was I going to be the last to know that my best friend is to fly off to another country for god knows how long?” Kara demanded, visibly gripping the papers in her hand tightly.

“Lex, got me those tickets before I could say anything—“

“Of course, it’s Lex,” Kara nods, smiling dryly. “You got this internship months ago and this ticket—god, we live under the same roof, Lena!”

She admits the reaction isn’t something she was entirely expecting. This outburst was so surprising that it takes her a couple of moments to find her words. Venomous words that intend to lash back in defense. She’s still a Luthor after all. They’re very good at winning arguments. Even if it means metaphorically twisting the knife right at the center of their enemy’s chest.

“Oh, I’m sorry for forgetting that I need to report every single decision of my life to you!”

Kara scoffs, “That’s not what I’m asking you!”

“Then what? Do you really expect us to be attached to the hip for the rest of our lives?”

“No,” Kara breathes out, her tone dropping down, sad blue eyes suddenly making Lena realize what exactly is happening. “No. It’s the fact that it’s so obvious how much you want me out of your life.”

Kara’s words has her pedaling backwards. Where that assumption came from, she had absolutely no idea. “What? Kara, that’s not—“

“You never tell me anything…” her best friend looks away, “… not anymore. You always seem so sad, so distant, that it’s becoming obvious that you’re going through something other than just the weight of your family name that you have to carry and I don’t know how to push further because knowing you…” pained glassy blue eyes look back at her.

“What is going on with you?” Kara asks, her tone almost pleading but Lena couldn’t utter the words out loud. How could she?

_I’m in love with you and I thought this stupid plan would… make it go away._

“Lying to me when you agreed that we’d be in National City together after graduation, for months. Everything we talked about… Was is it so hard to tell me that your plans have changed rather than make me look like a fool?” Kara exhales heavily at her silence. What was she exactly to say after all that? This wasn’t how she saw her night going.

“So tell me, how could I not think that you want no part of me in your future?” Kara says softly, walking away to leave and that’s when Lena panics. What all this could mean finally dawning on her. 

“Kara, wait,” she quickly intervenes, a hand coming up to wrap around Kara’s wrist but the hurt in her best friend’s eyes makes her pause.

“I’m going to the studio.”

She’s gone in minutes and when the door closes to welcome the silence, that’s when the tears fall. She’d been ignorant to believe that she could keep this illusion any longer. But she’s done it now. She’s gotten rid of the one good thing she’s got.

And now she’s alone again. 

* * *

Kissing her best friend had been something Lena didn’t think would happen for at least, maybe, a long time. It used to be a 'never' but tonight, at ‘their’ lighthouse, she had finally decided that things have changed and one day she would tell Kara how she felt despite all the whispers and fears in her head. She had decided, that when things are better and Kara’s heart had healed from the state of abuse Jen had left it, to confess all the past two years of pining. She’d even intended to show Kara just how she’s supposed to be cared for. To be loved. Because Lena would do everything to make sure that the only tears Kara would cry are emotional tears of joy. And because Luthors are strategic, thinking three steps ahead of the competition, she’s had this perfectly planned in the ten minutes since she found the drunken state Kara was in. Although, the thought had initially crossed in and out of her mind ever since their impromptu sleepover a couple a week ago, the very night Kara and Jen broke-up. 

However, things are about to shift, too quickly than Lena had thought. For the first time, her plan is suddenly rendered useless as she finds Kara’s lips against hers, as if they always belonged there. Sweet and warm in spite of the light taste of alcohol and the chilly sea breeze. But Lena’s going to let it slip, because Kara’s always the exception in her life. It’s perfect any way it goes.

Until it isn’t.

Her bliss cuts short, her happy bubble bursting at the sudden withdrawal, Kara’s gasp ringing the wrong way in her ears. It sounded more like something you’d make when faced with a mistake and with it, Lena’s heart plummets at the truth.

Her love ended before it even begun.

“I’m sorry,” Kara repeatedly sobs, the words hammering painfully at Lena’s chest.

“I didn’t know what I was thinking. I’m so sorry, Lena. I just… I don’t know. I’m sorry. Please…” The hammering continues and Lena watches as her best friend sinks to her knees, hands holding hers as if clinging to the last string.

That’s how it started. The illusion. The lie, the first of many to follow.

“It’s okay,” she hushes her, managing to pull her best friend back up to her feet. 

“It’s the alcohol. It’s the pain. I know. I understand.” And once the lie drops, it starts pouring in one after another. 

She feels like something is helplessly falling, breaking and burning all at the same time. It might be her. It might be her heart. She wishes to be numb to it, but even if she prayed hard enough she knows she'll feel the sting, the bruises and everything else. No one else can save her from this. Not even herself. But nevertheless, she holds Kara's hand and doesn't let go.

“You’re not mad at me?” Kara quietly asks in between tears, fingers buried in Lena’s coat as if desperately trying to hang on to whatever she can.

“No, why would I be? You’re my best friend. Come here,” she softly says as she welcomes Kara in her arms, the embrace tighter than ever.

“You’re confused and hurt right now. I know you didn’t mean it,” she says as a tear escapes the corner of her eye. She brushes it away with her hand harshly.

“Because I’m going to be more upset if you hate me and I don’t want you to hate me—“ Kara cries on her shoulder as Lena quickly hushes her again.

“I can’t lose you too…” Kara continues, her chest shuddering with every sob while Lena’s quickly wipes another tear sliding down her own cheek, unable to stop them any longer, her lips quivering as she wills herself not to completely break in Kara’s arms. To hide the pain behind Kara’s back.

“You won’t.”

“Best friends forever?”

“Of course.”

“You promise?”

“I promise… forever.”

A promise is a promise and Lena Luthor never breaks one. Never with Kara Danvers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I guess the update schedule for this story is a once a month thing. So, chapter four on Christmas? Haha. Anyways, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for those who followed and continue to follow this story, and especially to those who left really lovely comments. Thank you, seriously! You guys keep me writing even when I don't feel like writing. 
> 
> I guess, I also have to apologize for the end of this chapter. Just keeping up with the unrequited pain theme of this story :) But yeah, will we find out in the next chapter who Kara's 'mysterious love' is? The answer is a definite YES. Can Lena and Kara's friendship survive this hurdle? Hopefully? Will we get to see what Kara's love letter looks like? We might... or not? Maybe? Plumerias! How much is a bouquet of Plumerias overseas? And would you gift one to your best friend? Also chef Kara. I object to the fact that food loving Kara cannot cook to save her life. As a foodie, cooking comes hand in hand with eating. TV Kara just needs cooking lessons, is all.
> 
> Thoughts, anyone?


	4. Quatre

**Spare Me A Glance, My Dear Cornelia**

_But what do I care if my chance is great or small?_

_I mean, should I, can I, take that into account when I am in love? No, no reckoning up, one loves because one loves._

_\--Excerpt from the letters of Vincent Van Gogh to his brother Theo about his unrequited love for Cornelia Adriana Vos-Stricker; Nov 10th 1881_

Being a Luthor doesn’t come easy, that’s the truth. Lena and her brother had always felt like they had to constantly have this image to uphold. With the spotlight blaring down on them ever since they were children, making mistakes was certainly a big no-no. Because of that, Luthors have always excelled in almost all prestigious careers, CEOs, doctors, lawyers, engineers and even politicians are some of the titles associated with their family. Which is why, it’s no surprise when Lionel had announced that he’d be entering politics. It’s as if her step-mother’s socialite status wasn’t enough to attract the paparazzi. Lillian was a model turned actress during her prime. It was how she and Lionel met. At those rich private parties where everyone knows everyone and money is simply thrown all around, a habit Lillian Luthor carries until this very day. 

Lionel’s interest in running for mayor was the one time Lena hated going outside. There were cameras everywhere, constantly harassing both her and Lex just to get the ‘money shot’. She vividly remembers holding tightly to her brother, hiding her small frame underneath his coat, as they are dropped off during the first day of school. She was nine and he was fifteen. It had also been the day she met Clark Kent, her brother’s new friend. He was a polite handsome boy, broad shoulders, taller than Lex, had a friendly smile and would always give Lena chocolate. She saw him often ever since that day and soon enough he and Lex would become inseparable. Soon enough, in a couple of years, she’d come to meet his little cousin, Kara. Soon enough, she’d come to find that confessing your feelings to your best friend could also end up with your heart shattered and the friendship broken.

“Clark.” She remembers hearing Lex call out to his best friend one evening outside their family home. Lena’s fourteen and he just turned twenty-one. It was Christmas Eve and both Lex and Clark had come home to spend the holidays with family, Lex from college and Clark from his work trip in Thailand. Lillian was busy with the decorations again, her father was wrapped in another business call while Lena had simply wanted a cup of hot chocolate down the kitchen. It’s where she notices Lex outside. From the wide glass windows of their kitchen, she wonders if this was finally the moment where something outside the bounds of friendship blossoms into something more. 

Lena knows that her brother harbors feelings for the young journalist. She knows because it’s those same kind of feelings she’s starting to feel for Clark’s little cousin. Naturally, she expects to find her brother back inside with a smirk on his face and good news to deliver. 

Instead, Lena sees how easily a friendship can burn in flames. How her brother’s world falls in just one night. How something you once built to be so precious could tear apart with just a few words. How things never really stay the same like you thought them to be. It’s gone and once it drops, it’ll never be whole no matter how carefully you piece it back together. 

“It’s not worth it.” She remembers Lex tell her, empty eyes casted down the fireplace as he finishes a bottle of scotch. “Risking a friendship over love, it’s not worth it. Keep it in.”

She had her doubts then. That his words were a result of the hurt and the alcohol. Surely, not everyone, she thinks. Surely, they can’t all be the same. But when Kara kneels down in front of her as she cries apologies from her lips at their favorite spot the lighthouse, those same lips that had a second ago pressed deeply into hers, Lena will come to find that maybe her brother wasn’t just spouting drunken nonsense. 

And so at the verge of turning seventeen, Lena ensures that what she and Kara has will not suffer the same fate. Love be damned, she won’t ever let anything tear apart their friendship. And especially not even one Jennifer Lanvin.

“Where’s Kara?” Jen asks, the moment she realizes that Lena has manipulated her into thinking that it was Kara she is meeting at Café Terrace, something which she is starting to realize she’s getting really good at. 

Almost two weeks after Kara and Jen’s break-up, Lena finally decides to move her chess pieces across the board. She’s aware that Jen had been trying to contact Kara all week and it had been the perfect opportunity to finally confront the girl who took the smile away her best friend’s face.

The wait was certainly worth it.

Sitting as if she could’ve just as well been in one of her father’s boardroom meetings, leaning back with her elbow propped up on the chair’s arm rest, Lena simply gestures over the seat across her, giving Jen no choice but to take it. 

“If you want Kara, I’m afraid we’ll need to have a little chat first.”

Jen sits after a couple of seconds of hesitation and Lena enjoys the discomfort visible on the girl’s face. She’s not about to make this any easier on her. So, she doesn’t mind being petty by prolonging the uncomfortable silence for a few more seconds, her cold eyes boring straight at Jen.

“Whatever it is you have to say, say it now,” Jen finally says and Lena uses this as the perfect opportunity to hail the waiter.

“Tea?” Lena offers but not without her signature arch of the eyebrow, testing the other girl’s patience. 

“Sure,” Jen says, looking more annoyed by the minute. The waiter leaves and Lena’s already anticipated the next move.

“Whatever is happening between me and Kara stays between us. I just need to talk to _my girlfriend_ so I can clear some things and this constant meddling of yours is making it way more difficult than it should be.” Jen finally says in between gritted teeth. 

Lena simply scoffs and smiles. She’s faced with an opponent so easy to beat. Just as easy as it was beating her for the number one spot in class. Too bad for her, she’s just committed a grave mistake pissing off a Luthor and Lena’s just about to move her pieces to get a satisfying win.

“Meddling, huh,” Lena mutters as if she’s simply reading this morning’s paper, tapping her finger slowly against the table. 

She doesn’t deny keeping Kara closer to her side, protecting her and ensuring that her best friend would never have to be in the same space with her insufferable ex-girlfriend but what Jen seems to be insinuating now is entirely laughable.

“I’m sorry, but you must seem to be so deluded to believe that what you’re claiming to have still belongs to you.” Lena points out, emphasizing every word so perfectly clear as she shifts in her seat.

“That _girlfriend_ you’d been lucky to have, broke-up with you and I can say with all certainty that she’s doing absolutely fine ever since. Actually,” she pauses, looking up mockingly before staring back at Jen again, “she hasn’t even mentioned your name this week. It’s like you never even existed.”

“Meddling?” Lena repeats, as if talking to herself.

“Meddling with what exactly? Kara’s focus has been amazing, her grades are good and her soccer games have been so much better these days. You did hear that they just won the championship earlier today? She’s never been in a more perfect condition. CAU will soon be lucky to have her on their soccer team. Kara’s been soaring higher than she’s ever did.” Lena exhales, loving the way Jen clutches the table napkin tightly while her jaw clenches.

Leaning forward, she says, “But, well, if this is what it takes for Kara to become a better version of herself then I think this _meddling_ of mine, as you call it, is actually a good thing.”

Lena swears Jen would’ve launched right at her had they not been in public. Something she sort of laments because if that had been the case, she’d have an excuse to punch her. Leaning back again, she tries not to smile widely in triumph. 

“If Kara finds out about this—“

“Then what? You’re going to tell her that I what? Hurt you with my words? Threatened you at a cafe?” Lena questions incredulously, chuckling dryly before her tone drops in all seriousness. “Well, it’s not entirely wrong. I’m actually getting to the last part.”

She makes sure she projects the infamous Luthor glare down as she continues on, “You are to stay far away from Kara from now on. Once we graduate, you are not to step foot in Cotler Argo or anywhere near National City. Because if I even catch a whiff of your obnoxious perfume wafting near my best friend, I’m going to end you, your Parisian lover and your family’s company. Don’t test me, you know I can and I will not hesitate to ruin a life.”

“Unless,” she breathes out and it pains her to even say it, raising a finger in warning before Jen could even spat out expletives her way. 

“Unless… you end it with that other girl, admit to the whole school that it was you who caused the break-up, denying that ridiculous rumor that claims Kara is abusive and has physically hurt you and,” Lena pauses, stressing her next words, “and you let her freely decide what she wants to do and where she wants to go for college.” She breathes out, fists clenching at the thought of that night of the incident with Robert. The night that might as well be the reason why that nasty rumor about Kara’s violent and uncontrollable anger problem stems from. 

No one knew the real story behind it and no one will. That Kara had only did what she did for her. Her best friend ultimately refusing to even talk about it with anyone else outside family in order to protect Lena and the Luthor name. Even if rumors like this start looming behind her. Even if Lena tells her that telling the truth would clear the stain it caused. Kara would stubbornly carry it around on display and silently bear it all. With no witnesses, those noisy blabbers end up making stories from mere assumptions and once another fire starts with Kara’s name on it they re-surface yet again. 

“Are you serious?” Jen exclaims, giving her a ridiculous look. “You’re asking me to ruin my reputation in the process!” she hisses and Lena finds the irony in all of it.

“And what kind of label do you think they’d hang over my head? We run in the same social circle, Lena. You of all people know just how damaging that would be! Not to mention, the ugly permanent stain it would taint my family name.”

Silently, Lena slowly nods in understanding. She gave her a chance and as expected, she’s already made her choice. “Then I believe this conversation is over.” 

“That’s not fair!”

Lena stops from leaving her chair, anger boiling in her chest as she swivels back to face Jen, “Not fair? You want to know what’s not fair? It’s when your girlfriend doesn’t tell you that she has an on again-off again lover overseas, an old flame which she still keeps in contact with despite being in a relationship. So don’t you talk about being fair with me when you so easily juggle people’s hearts in your hands like they’re nothing to you!”

“And _you_ don’t make mistakes? At least, I’m not secretly in love with my best friend to the point of obsession that I forget that she’s not mine to begin with and that no matter how much money I splurge on her she never will be! Kara Danvers is not your pet!”

In perfect timing, the waiter comes to their table, laying out the tea and biscuits. When he leaves the air is thick and Lena almost throws sense out the window. Sending Jen to the hospital would be a dumb move. It’d be satisfying but the consequences will be grave, Kara’s disappointed face flashing in her mind.

So instead of hurling the tea pot over at Jen’s face, she simply pours herself a cup of warm English Breakfast tea. Wordlessly, she picks up the cup and takes a sip before she addresses Jen again.

“True,” she begins, eyeing the brunette, a sad smile on her lips as she continues on. “I love Kara. I love her in the way you should’ve and it doesn’t matter to me whether or not she’d feel the same way.” She looks down at the swirling liquid, Kara’s face in her mind.

“I’ll take care of her. I’ll pick up the pieces of her heart if I have to, even if my hands cut and bleed, reputation be damned. I don’t care.” The feeling of Kara’s kiss burns into memory as she says this, heart clenching from the pain. 

“I’ll do whatever it takes so that the likes of you will never be able to even touch the tip of her hair.” 

Her smile disappears, face going hard, her stare unwavering, “Unlike you, I’ll stay by her side and make sure that for as long as I breathe, she’ll have a shoulder to lean on. She’ll have someone who’ll always love her. I’ll be all that even if I get nothing in return. Pity me all you want. It won’t bother me.”

Lena leaves the café, confident in the knowledge that Jen would not dare to go against her. Lena got what she wanted. She’d been gracious in even giving her a chance to fix it and she didn’t take it. 

Head heavy with all these thoughts, she doesn’t realize she’s in front of the Danvers’ home until a smirking Alex is opening the door for her.

“You’re late. That’s so un-Luthor like of you,” the older Danvers sibling teases her as she leans by the doorway, arms crossed in front of her chest as she shakes her head, clicking her tongue. 

“Also, you should know, we’re starving to death but my sister would rather hold a contest for the loudest grumbling stomach than start without you.”

Lena sighs heavily, “Being fashionably late to a party is actually a Luthor thing. And as if you haven’t already snuck a bite, I can smell the barbecue off of you.”

“Oh-ho-ho, is that the excuse you’re giving Kara now?” Alex says, a wicked smile on her lips. “You’re so dead, little Luthor.” She mutters and before Lena could smother her, she yells.

“Kara! Your better-half is finally here!”

Lena mouths, ‘I hate you!’ towards a snickering Alex just before she hears her best friend approaching from the hallway. Kara fixes her with a look and Lena gulps. She now regrets stressing about punctuality all the time.

“She’s already on a sugar high from all the candy, the only food she’s allowed us to consume, by the way,” Alex quickly informs her and now dread creeps inside Lena’s chest.

“Lena Kieran Luthor!” she hears Kara yell just as Alex drags her inside as if she wasn’t the daughter of business mogul Lionel Luthor and soon to be heir of his fortune. But unlike her cold exterior out in public, Lena doesn’t take offense in this. Kara’s sister has always treated her like any other person, something Lena has greatly appreciated. Sure, it was surprising to be treated so normally at first but Lena would take this over any ridiculous overly friendly act. In the presence of the Danvers she’s just Lena, Kara’s best friend and the adopted seventh member of the family—Lex was the sixth. With no option for escape she tries to use Alex as a wall but to no avail. 

“On second thought, I forgot something at home,” she quickly hisses at Alex who simply closes the door behind her and pushes her towards Kara who is now making her way towards Lena ominously. She has to commend herself for still keeping composure in spite of the struggle.

“Where. Have. You. Been?” Kara demands, eyes narrowing at her.

“I was at the bookstore.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I… overslept.”

“I knew it!” Kara exclaims before hooking an arm around Lena’s neck. She tries to cling to Alex’s sleeve. Alex swats her hands away, mumbling, ‘Just go get married’, at them before walking away. It takes everything in her not to give her the finger—an act her step-mother deems un-lady like. Lillian Luthor clearly hasn’t met Alexandra Danvers.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve. Been. Starving. Here. Because. Of. This. Sleepyhead?” Kara complains as she pokes at Lena’s side, pulling her along to where the party is at. 

The celebration? Midvale High’s soccer team winning the championship. The whole team is present, from Kara’s teammates to their coaches, a couple of Kara’s close friends from school are also there and of course, Kara’s family. It’s no secret that Eliza Danvers cooks the most delicious dinners which is why an invitation from Kara Danvers is almost like winning a free five-star buffet. 

“Potstickers?” Lena tries. Her version of an apology. 

“Oh you definitely owe me a bunch! You know how grave of a sin it is to intentionally make me hungry! Ugh, I knew I should’ve just dragged you back here with me after the game!” Kara grumbles, talking twice as fast as she normally would, whilst Lena tries to wrench free from her hold. It’s useless, she remains stuck to Kara’s side, Kara’s arm locked around her waist now as they now make their way to the backyard. 

A long table is spread out with all the mouth-watering dishes, Jeremiah mans the barbecue station while Eliza waves at them towards the table. There’s a chorus of cheers as soon they emerge and maybe Lena does feel a little bit guilty for being late. Maybe even for lying to Kara about why she was late. But when Kara, after finally having her stomach full, beams at her when she tells everyone how happy and grateful she is for everything, Lena pushes the thought at the furthest corner of her mind. 

She also finds this the perfect opportunity to give Kara her advance birthday—and graduation—gift. 

“What’s this?” Kara asks, a curious smile on her lips as she stares down at the small box Lena hands her.

“A gift.”

“But my birthday’s two months away and—” Kara pauses as she opens the box to find a key, the confusion even more evident in her face.

“And what does this open?” she asks, finally looking back at Lena.

“Your private art studio.”

Kara visibly taken aback, is rendered speechless. Her mouth opening and closing as if trying to come up with the words she finds so hard to express right now.

“It’s a twenty minutes away from CAU so you can do your artworks in peace. I know it could get hard sharing work space with a bunch of other people and you’ve been worried about the mess complaint you’ll probably be filed for when you live in the dorms, that’s if… you still won’t accept my offer about sharing an apartment together.” Lena’s words hang in the air for a while as she watches Kara staring down at the key, a mixture of emotions passing through her features.

“Lena this is… wow, I mean…you didn’t have to. Gosh…” Kara tries, looking at her parents in disbelief. Eliza’s eyes are glassy as she clutches her chest while a smiling Jeremiah places a hand over Lena’s shoulder, giving her soft grateful taps.

And before Kara could even think it, Lena beats her to it, “It’s not for free—if that’s what you’re worried about. I plan to have a lot of paintings commissioned from my favorite artist so, perhaps we can agree about a special discounted price for the artworks?”

Contrary to popular belief, the only things Lena had ever splurged for Kara over the years had mainly been food, lots of books, a sports bag when she joined Midvale High’s soccer team, a customized paint brush with ‘Zorel’ engraved on it for Kara’s 15th birthday, tickets to a musical for her 16th birthday, a sunflower mug and a Burberry scarf last Christmas. The rest were all personalized handmade stuff like flower pressed bookmarks, cards, baked goods and scrapbooks. Lena’s gifts have always been about what Kara would genuinely like and appreciate, most of them crafted with her hands and not just the most expensive thing she could find. She would never make Kara feel like she’s being bought or paid to like her. Kara’s friendship wasn’t like that. 

Lena’s love wasn’t like that.

“God Lena, going to college with my best friend is more than enough,” Kara tells her. “Just… having you here is really enough and this is just the cherry on top,” Kara finally breathes out, wiping at the corner of her eyes before pulling Lena in for bone-crushing hug. 

“I really just need you and… I’m good.” Kara sincerely whispers in her ear before pulling back slightly to add, “Just don’t disappear and make me starve again!”

“Alright, alright, got it.” Lena chuckles, remembering Café Terrace and the words she uttered so solemnly.

“And… does the offer still stand?” Kara slowly asks, “Because I realized that you cannot be left unsupervised or you’ll just sleep the day away!”

Lena smiles widely at this, feeling elated at Kara finally giving in.

“Of course.”

For as long as Kara wants her in her life, Lena will remain by her side.

* * *

There’s never been a more deafening silence when Lena wakes up in the morning of their shared apartment. Never had there been a heavier feeling than stepping out her bedroom with no cherry greetings or loud singing. The windows are all closed, no sunlight streaming inside that would make her squint and grumble about everything being too bright. There’s none of that now and Lena realizes just how much she’s taken it all for granted. 

Kara hasn’t come back and Lena’s messages were still without a reply. But she isn’t without hope. They’ve had arguments before, although seemingly so small compared to this but at the end of the day they always got through it. At the end of the day, they are laughing it all away and joking about it. At the end of the day, Kara’s going to come trudging back home. 

This time, Lena decides that she’d be the one to drag Kara back. To seek her out and apologize. She made the mistake so she must work on getting her apology through to her. 

It should be easy. But as the day goes by, Lena finds that Kara was really serious on avoiding her. Sam tells her that she’s begged off of practice today. Kara had used ‘not feeling well’ as an excuse, worrying not only her team mates but her coach as they have a big championship game tomorrow. She wasn’t on any of their regular hangouts and by the end of her class, Lena decides to give her a call. The line is busy and Lena is starting to contemplate going to the art studio herself.

Unconsciously, her feet take her there before she even realizes that she’s got to talk to her best friend and Lena finds that she’s actually at a loss for words. She lingers at the door for a long time before she chickens out and decides to give it one more night. 

Perhaps Kara needs time to herself. Almost seven years being constantly together, another night wouldn’t hurt. But god, it does. It really does. Because when Lena comes home to a dark and empty apartment, it only sinks in just how much Kara has seeped into her veins, to her lungs and even down to her bones. She has taken over her and Lena hadn’t even realized it until now. She loves Kara, that fact she knows so well but to find out just how much she’s depended on her has overwhelmed her with longing. 

Those smiles fueled her mornings. Those hugs keeping her content. Those hands that held her own, were enough to keep her warm. Those gentle words bringing peace to her heart. Lena was mistaken if she thinks she can escape from it. She thought she was fine but here she was, only a day of absence from the sun and she’s breaking apart. How foolish she’d been to think she’d survive without her.

“You choose,” Lex’s drunken voice years ago echoes in her head before he tips the bottle of scotch over his lips. “To keep them close and bear the pain or lose them forever?”

“Is that all the options I have?” Lena had asked wryly, humoring him as she tries yet again to grab the bottle from his hands. He holds it far from her reach. She sighs. “Because that’s honestly depressing.”

“Ah,” Lex had smiled in that lazy way drunk people smile. “But dear sister, that’s the reality people never talk about. There’s bravery in confessing your love. There’s also that risk and if you are ready to face the consequences, ready to acknowledge that you might lose them then go ahead.”

He had looked at her with glassy eyes, a contrast to that smile still attached to his face. 

“Loving someone is knowing that there’s a chance you might lose them and yet doing it anyway. It’s one of the biggest gambles in life,” he had said before leaning closer as if to whisper a secret.

“Are you ready to lose?”

* * *

“Hey, Lena?” Kara’s voice drifts over from their living room. They’ve just finished moving in their shared apartment. Kara’s family who had come over to help had now gone back to Midvale amidst teary goodbyes. Lena gets squeezed in the family group hug as well. 

“What?” she asks, not even bothering to get up from Kara’s bed where she had literally ‘sat’ down on to 'take a break’. Thirty minutes later, she still hasn’t left the mattress, eyes going heavy as she closes them. She’d just ended a video call from Lex and now she just feels completely exhausted from a long day of unpacking, arranging and cleaning. 

“Pizza’s here. Let’s eat,” Kara says, now leaning by the doorway.

“Okay.” Lena mutters, still not moving from her position. 

“Are you going to sleep here?”

“Yes.”

She hears a chuckle before the space next to her dips down and soon Kara’s lying next to her.

“But this bed is not as soft as yours.” Kara reminds her. “It doesn’t have features like memory foam mattress and superior quality comfort. Plus my sheets’ thread count aren’t over a thousand,” she dramatically says as Lena finally opens her eyes.

“So what? Do I look that fragile to you?”

Kara gasps comically before launching into a funny imitation of one of Lionel’s business partners during one of Luthor Corp’s parties, “But _the_ Lena Luthor sleeping on a 400 thread count sheet is utterly preposterous! Unthinkable! Unacceptable!”

Lena bursts out in laughter at that. Kara joins her, their foreheads bumping. When the laughter dies down, Kara lying on her back and Lena on her side, her best friend sighs. 

“Can I ask you something?”

“We’re not buying that waffle maker.”

Kara burst out in giggles, “Wasn’t what I was going to ask but that waffle maker was cute! I don’t understand why everything in our kitchen has to look like the lifestyle channel.”

“It’s the color of mud with that ridiculous picture of a bear. Also, I’m not going for a morning run with you tomorrow.”

“It’s called Kobicha brown and that bear is cute! And why won’t you do morning runs with me? I thought we are in this together. Through thick and thin, remember?” Kara exclaims.

“My body is already perfect just the way it is, Kara.”

“I know it is but—”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“No! No! Don’t get me wrong. Your body is great! It really is like, wow! Amazing! Like you’re in the top percent of godly! I’m just saying that daily morning exercise improves the health and maintains that gorgeous figure of yours.”

Lena studies her, trying not to show how surprised she is at the colorful description from her best friend and hopes that the heat she feels in her cheeks quickly disappears. She doesn’t even know why she feels that way when she’s been constantly complimented ever since she was a child. She knows she’s attractive and is aware of the huge number of people dreaming of getting to have her. But to hear Kara say it just hits different.

“C’mon, how bad would it be to spend a morning with me?” Kara whines, looking at her with those big blue puppy eyes. She’s been doing it far too often these days. 

“I spend every day with you.” Lena counters, deciding to lie on her back and avoid those intense blue irises.

“It’s not enough.” Kara quickly adds and Lena almost doesn’t register it.

“You’ll survive,” Lena mumbles.

“Maybe but I want more time with you.” Kara mumbles back softly and Lena’s heart skips a beat. Kara’s been constantly surprising her lately. Ever since they got to National City, her best friend has been more attentive. Lena wouldn’t even say it and yet Kara would come bounding over to get her things, rushing to open doors for her, constantly making sure she’s comfortable to the point where Alex had groaned in complaint—'your precious wife is going to be fine, Kara, and she’ll still be fine in the next couple of hours’—and almost getting into a fight with someone who accidentally threw a ball towards where Lena was standing. She missed it by a couple of steps, far enough for her not to worry. 

However, Kara hadn’t been too happy about that.

_‘The nerve of those frat boys to even try asking for your number after that stupid stunt! I told you, they did that on purpose! You could’ve gotten hurt!”_ Kara had grumbled all the way to the administration building. In all honesty, it was amusing to see her best friend make boys twice her size very uncomfortable. Makes it so much easier to decline and leave. Besides, he wasn’t her type at all. One would be lucky to even get a glimpse of her phone number.

Lena’s thoughts cut short at the sudden sound of Kara’s stomach grumbling. Chuckling, she finally says,

“C’mon lets eat.”

Still feeling really lazy and tired, she lifts up her arm supposedly for Kara to pull her up but all she gets is a heavy weight rolling against her side and an arm circling around her middle.

Blinking as she tries to processes what is happening, it takes a couple of seconds before she speaks, “This isn’t—I meant, pull me up!”

Kara’s laughter vibrates on Lena’s chest, her forehead bumping lightly against Lena’s cheek.

“I thought you were asking for a hug,” Kara cheekily says, still making no move to leave. Lena’s extended arm finally drops down on top of Kara’s arm. They stay like that for a while and Lena finds her best friend’s warmth lulling her to sleep until Kara’s stomach hilariously grumbles again. This time her best friend pulls her up, not letting go as she slowly drags Lena to the door. 

It’s also the moment when Lena’s phone beeps with a new notification. Kara lets go of her as they reach the kitchen aisle, opening boxes of freshly made pizza while Lena opens the message at the sight of the number. 

“Who is it?” Kara asks curiously after a few moments of silence, her mouth still half full of pizza as big blue eyes stare back at her.

Lena doesn’t even realize that she’s smiling until the question. 

“Oh, it’s just the bookshop giving me book recommendations,” Lena replies distractedly. When she hits the send button and looks up, she’s met with a suspicious look. 

“What?”

“I know that books make you happy but not _that_ happy,” Kara says, munching slowly as she continues.

“And since when have you been texting a bookshop?”

Her phone beeps with another new notification from the same number and Lena ignores it in favor of getting a slice of pizza. Kara’s gaze however, doesn’t break.

“It’s a very nice bookshop,” Lena mumbles as Kara steps closer to her.

“Must be if you’ve given them your number.”

The stifling silence paired with that intense look finally gets Lena to confess.

“It’s just lunch.”

“I knew it,” Kara mutters with a sigh, her frown deepening.

“He helped me with something, he‘s cool and we’re just having lunch on Monday. It’s like a mini book club.” Lena explains, flustered because she’s never had to explain herself to anyone. But of course this is Kara and she’s been the sole exception to everything in Lena’s life.

“Right, does this bookshop have a name?” Kara questions, hands crossed in front of her chest, looking annoyed.

“Jack.”

“Jack?”

“Yes, Jack… alright, I just met him. Hadn’t had a chance to ask about his last name at that time, okay? I didn’t give him mine either.” Lena says before quickly adding,

“Besides, making connections is part of college.”

“A bookshop?”

“Yes! See, now I won’t have a hard time finding research books and references.”

“Do you like him?”

“God, it’s really just lunch, Kara! At a coffee shop nearby he recommended. In broad daylight.” Lena breathes out. Since when was having to admit to an innocent lunch out with a cute guy been so hard to share with her best friend?

“Well, can you blame me? Your exes all started out like that. And you know I love you but you really have terrible taste in people, Lena—”

“Excuse-me?!” She blurts out, shocked and slightly offended at that. If only Kara knew that she’s included in the category of people she’s attracted to and topping the list—maybe the only name currently in the list if she was being honest, she’d probably not have said anything.

“Oh, okay, you want me to start? So there was James, he was awful and a bully,” Kara lists, counting with her fingers while Lena simply sighs. They’ve clearly had this argument coming. Kara has always vocally hated all of the people she’s been with, or a better way to call it would be, hooked up with.

“It wasn’t really serious,” she tries to say but Kara doesn’t acknowledge it.

“Don’t even get me started with Andrea!” Kara huffs, shaking her head at that. Internally, Lena shakes her head as well. Andrea was… wild.

“Oh and then there was that monster that I… god still makes my blood boil.” Kara says, voice going low, her jaw flexing as she taps her finger at the kitchen aisle’s surface. The traces of the bruises on her best friend’s knuckles may have long been gone but Lena bets Kara could still feel it. 

Now that last one, she can’t argue with. Lena still refuses to even touch a bottle of vodka ever since that time or even drink another bottle of beer without Kara’s presence. Good riddance indeed. He got exactly what he deserved. Just like Jen, Robert could never walk in a city with a Luthor or a Danvers in it.

“Okay, okay, got it. No need to dwell on past mistakes. Now what was your point again?” Lena asks, giving Kara a look.

“That you just seem to attract the wrong kind of people and you deserve better,” Kara tells her immediately as if she has mulled this thought over for a long time.

“And so you’re saying ‘Mr. Bookshop’ is going to be exactly like the rest of them because I only attract the wrong kind?” Lena slowly pieces, finally meeting Kara’s eyes. They are filled only with concern and Lena is aware of this. Still, it makes her feel a little irritated. Partly because it’s true and partly because deep relationships weren’t really something she took seriously and therefore, such evaluation is honestly unfair.

“No, I think you attract every kind of person,” Kara admits without batting an eye, “You just tend to stick with the wrong ones because you ignore the signs from the beginning or maybe you think it’s safer that way, for your heart. Not truly letting yourself feel because you think nothing lasts. So it’s easier this way. Easier to discard.”

Lena thinks Kara has never struck a cord so close to home. She forgets that they had shared deep conversations over the years, Lena spilling more than she’d intended to. It’s just surprising how someone had collected all of it and presented it to her in neat little box. She forgets how well Kara knows her from all the years they’ve been friends.

“So you’re switching to Psychology now?” Lena mutters in jest, resting her hip against the counter as she takes a bite of her pizza.

“Have you even been taken out on a proper date?” Kara suddenly asks, ignoring the teasing and Lena’s head instantly goes to parties, hook-ups inside sports cars and summer houses, and random meet-ups whenever it’s convenient.

“Uhm—”

“Exactly!”

“I haven’t said anything yet.”

“You didn’t have to.”

Lena’s never regretted teaching her English then. Taking a bite of the pizza instead she decides to counter with a, ‘So what? Does it really matter? Let’s not dissect my poor life choices right now’ but that goes out the window once Kara opens her mouth.

“Would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow?”

Eating while having this conversation proves to be a bad idea because Lena almost chokes, coughing as she grabs a bottle of water to clear her throat.

“You’ve obviously never been on a real date. A really good one! And, I know, I know, although I’ve only been in one relationship I’m pretty sure I can show you how dates are supposed to go. So maybe you can finally sort out the bad weeds from the good ones,” Kara quickly adds.

“So your solution is…” Lena slowly says.

“A practice date!” Kara presents, smiling at her.

“With you? That just feels like any dinner,” Lena weakly argues, her heart racing at all the possibilities.

“Okay now you’re hurting my feelings,” Kara says, a pout forming in her lips. 

“But that’s understandable. You’ve haven’t been on date with me yet,” Kara starts and at this point Lena just can’t read her like she used to. This was so out of the blue.

“Because I’m pretty confident that after tomorrow night I’m going to spoil every other date you’ll be taken to from then on.” Kara declares and Lena only registers how close they are standing. The inexistence of space between them had never really bothered Lena but tonight, tonight feels like something’s shifted and it’s molding into something… more.

“Unless… you don’t want to and that’s fine! I was just, you know, trying to help and I’m just concerned, like any best friend should be, you know, about you and—” Kara babbles, taking a sudden step backwards.

“What time tomorrow night?” Lena asks, a little too eagerly for a Luthor, before Kara starts stuttering and mixing French with English.

“Seven,” Kara answers before adding, “Dress comfortably. You don’t have to wear heels.”

“Oh thank god, how can any other date live up to this?” Lena dramatically sighs, making Kara chuckle.

“Great! Tomorrow at seven. And oh, don’t think I’m not gonna’ be conducting a background check on Bookshop Jack because I definitely will!” Kara reminds her, mumbling about calling Alex to help her scan for fingerprints.

“It really is just lunch,” Lena protests for the enth time as Kara finally continues munching on pizza, ignoring her words.

“Text me his surname when you get it,” is the only reply she gets and Lena shakes her head in defeat.

“Fine.”

* * *

The weather that afternoon cannot be any more perfect to the gloomy atmosphere of half the stadium as the game starts. The match today is for the final women’s college soccer championship. The game that determines this season’s winner. Out of a number of colleges, CAU finds itself on the finals facing against long-time rival Stanhope College, nonetheless. It’s the biggest match this year and thousands are in attendance yet as the game begins, star player Kara Danvers seems to be losing her game.

Lena is never one to be late in any of Kara’s matches, as a matter of fact it’s the only event where she’s always on time, sometimes even early than most. But today, for the first time since they enrolled at CAU, she is running late. Lionel had insisted that Lena now starts joining Luthor Corps board meetings to help make the transition easier for her. The meeting had to be done online as they have board members residing across the globe. Lex was one of them as he is currently in London. Lena on the other hand, was present at Luthor Corp’s board room with both her parents. Lillian had swatted at her arm underneath the table after the hundreth time she checked her phone’s clock. So it comes as a huge relief when Lionel finally ends the three hour long meeting.

Quickly bidding her parents goodbye, Lena is dashing down the first floor of the building in record time. After the misunderstanding with Kara the other day, which left a bitter after taste in Lena’s tongue, she vowed not to cause an even bigger misunderstanding if she doesn’t make it in time to Kara’s soccer match. Alex had been texting her nonstop for the past thirty minutes now, asking where she is and leaving worrying messages like, ‘Where the heck are you? Your wife’s team is losing!’ and ‘You both got into a fight didn’t you? She looks and plays like shit!’

Once out of the building, she crosses the street, ignoring the security and Luthor Corp. assistants trying to offer her a ride to wherever she is going. She finally finds her ride after a minute, revving up loudly in the busy street. 

“What took you so long Luthor? Have they already named you CEO in there or something?” Alex exclaims as she throws Lena a helmet which she thankfully catches due to the number of times Alex has thrown things at her. It’s like a game the older Danvers likes to partake in without Lena even being aware of it starting. 

So far, Alex has thrown hats, keys, pillows, bags, beer, the bisexual flag, a can of tomatoes, an egg, a spatula, numerous cartons of various non-alcoholic drinks, a take-out bag, a box of confetti, Kara, a pumpkin, a shoe, a snow ball, all her Christmas gifts and a cat at her. The motor bike helmet now goes to the list as well—thanks to her, Lena’s catching skills have really improved through the years that she could probably try out for baseball and easily become catcher.

“Never if my mother finds me sitting at the back of your bike,” Lena mutters as she gets on the motorbike right behind Alex.

“Hold tight then,” Alex tells her, “because I’m gonna’ make sure she doesn’t.” And with that she drives off in a speed that makes Lena smile widely.

The stadium is packed as thunderous cheers erupt in all corners. The game has come to a stop as teams re-group and plan strategies. Surprisingly, Kara is already sat on the bench, a towel hanging over her shoulders as she looks down on the ground, a rare sight to see for the energetic soccer player. When Lena takes a seat next to Winn Schott, one of their good friends, he looks at her worriedly. 

“She was pulled out the game earlier for a foul. Almost got into a fight with the referee too,” he reports as Alex hands her some chips. Kara’s parents smile at her, Eliza instantly reaching out for her hand.

“Glad you could make it Lena. Everything okay?” Kara’s mother asks and Lena believes that the question was actually a subtle nod to Kara’s poor performance at the most crucial game of her life. But Eliza never gets into specifics unless you open up to her first and Lena appreciates that.

“Same as always. Problems are normal in business. It’s going to be okay.” She answers before casting her eyes down to where Kara is seated. This was the game Kara had been waiting for her whole life. Scouts from big soccer teams are present today to be on the look-out for their next recruit. Kara’s performance today will be of big importance to her soccer career. Lena couldn’t even imagine what her best friend must be feeling right now.

And it’s as if their connection is strong enough to pull through despite being far apart, Kara finally stands, turning to look up, blue eyes scanning the seats until they land on Lena. Giving Kara a small smile, Lena hopes she knows that no matter what she’ll be there even when she falls down. When Kara lightly nods, Lena knows the message had been received. She hoped for more but it’s a good start and Lena knows this cold silence between them won’t last long.

In what might be dubbed as the biggest twist of the this year’s soccer season, CAU scores with Kara finally back on the field, slowly gaining back momentum and confidence as they battle it out for the championship. And as Nia passes the ball towards Kara, the whole crowd awaits with bated breath, Alex holding on tightly to Lena’s arm, as Kara runs across the field, avoiding another player as she fakes a pass only to kick the ball straight through the goal. The crowd goes crazy as everyone from CAU erupts from their seats to jump in victory. Winn almost falls down the next row from excessive jumping and Alex hugs Lena for the first time while a crying Kara is tackled by her teammates. 

Soon Kara would be holding the trophy along with her team as they take to stage. CAU celebrates another victory for two years straight and Lena declines the offer to stay for the party. Citing that she needs to be somewhere when in truth she doesn’t want to spoil the festive mood with her presence. She and Kara need to talk but tonight was all about the win and their talk can wait one more day. Instead, she decides to send Kara a message, congratulating her for the win. It took her almost two hours trying to compose the right words and another two before she could even hit send. 

**_I knew you could do it. I’m so proud of you. Sorry I can’t make it to the party. See you tomorrow?_ **

****

**_I miss you._ **

**_-Lena_ **

* * *

Kara had been gone for half a day ever since after they had lunch. Tonight was the night of Kara’s dating 101 lesson, ‘practice date’, and Lena had tried her best not to think too much about it. It’s true that they’ve dined out countless times, it’s probably just the same thing. Only it isn’t and she knows it. Kara had emphasized it, reminding Lena to get ready at seven with that sly little smirk that’s constantly driving her crazy in the inside.

She tries to bear in mind to stop hoping. To simply have fun and just ‘go with it’ but at 5 in the afternoon, as she rummages for something to wear, she finds how serious she’s actually taking this and the going with it mantra has long dissipated. 

Ultimately, if she was being honest, this would be her only chance of ever going out on a date with the best friend she’s hopelessly fallen in love with. 

It’s ironic how when she’s just come to accept that things between them are to remain strictly platonic for the rest of their lives, something like this happens.

“What am I doing?” she sighs to herself as she stares at the clothes laid out all over her bed.

‘About to go out on a date with Kara that’s what’ she thinks as she finally picks out what to wear. A maroon button-up blouse tucked under high-waisted shorts and paired with white sneakers. She throws a soft dark blazer over her shoulders and debates between putting her hair up or letting it down. In the end, she puts it up in a ponytail and wears a black choker necklace. 

It’s ten minutes before seven when she finishes her make-up. Nothing too much really. It’s Kara she’s going to be with tonight and Kara has repeatedly admitted being more attracted to girls with less make-up. She almost laughs to herself at how ridiculous this is getting.

“It’s not even real idiot,” she mumbles to herself in the mirror. 

It’s five minutes before seven when she tries to envision how the night’s going to play out. Something simple probably. She’s seen Kara planning dates for Jen before. So it could be a rooftop picnic? Lena sighs yet again, trying not to pace around the living room too much. Maybe an amusement park kind of date like those in the movies? She huffs, finally sitting down and looking up the ceiling as she hears the faint ticking of the clock. She remembers even offering to shut down the amusement park in Midvale for Kara and Jen. She regrets it now, of course. Jen didn’t deserve any of it. But on the other hand, Kara did have fun so it was probably alright.

Checking her phone for the millionth time, Lena wished she knew where they were going or what they were going to do. But Kara was adamant that it be a surprise for later. It couldn’t be that grand. It wasn’t even her birthday yet. They’re probably going to the park. Was it really necessary for Kara to leave their shared apartment so she could literally do the “pick you up at seven” thing?

Lena sighs audibly again.

Just a minute before seven and their doorbell beeps that soft familiar tune and that’s when Lena perks up, her heart suddenly pounding for no reason. Why was she even nervous? Lena Luthor rarely gets nervous and definitely not for a date. Kara’s words ring in her head again. Right, this was her first ‘proper’ date.

Breathing deeply and exhaling slow, Lena finally makes her way to the door. Opening it, she already expects Kara standing behind the door. What she doesn’t expect are the lovely huge bouquet of flowers that greet her. And if that already has her stopping in her tracks, Kara takes her breath away. Her best friend is wearing a beige shirt underneath a navy blue jacket, paired with dark skinny jeans and high-top sneakers. Kara’s also wearing a cap but her loose blonde waves fall perfectly on her shoulders. She looks so good. She looks like a model ready to pose on fashion magazine covers that Lena swears had this been their first meeting she would’ve simply pulled her inside and kissed her senseless.

How she was ever going to survive this night, Lena can’t even comprehend.

This was a bad idea.

“Hi,” Kara says, almost sounding breathless as a smile slowly stretches across her lips.

A very bad idea.

“You look amazing.”

An extremely bad idea.

“Well, so are you,” she replies before they both end up laughing. 

“Are you really not going to tell me where we’re headed?” Lena asks as she watches Kara put the flowers in a vase.

“I really can’t understand why you hate surprises so much,” Kara answers her, eyes glancing at her playfully.

“You know I don’t like not knowing things,” Lena reminds her as Kara leads her to the door. Once they reach the elevator Lena realizes how natural it felt holding Kara’s outstretched hand. 

When Kara walks over to her parked motorbike, Lena already knows she’s about to enjoy this night a lot. She’s just about to reach for the extra helmet when Kara beats her to it, lifting it up to put it over Lena’s head herself, gently and carefully. Kara had always been a caring girlfriend, Lena had been witness to how extra attentive she could be. To now be on the receiving end of it is something she only once imagined. 

“Comfy?” Kara asks tenderly. Lena only nods.

“Ready?” Kara asks as again just as Lena puts her arms lightly around Kara’s waist, a little flustered when Kara pulls Lena’s arms so she could hold her tighter around her waist. 

“Always,” she almost awkwardly stutters.

They pass by buildings and Lena thinks she doesn’t really mind just driving around like this until sunrise. The night air is cool and the weather is perfect. 

But eventually, they come to a stop and Lena immediately looks up at the building with wonder.

“A science center?” she asks as a grinning Kara takes off her helmet.

“National City’s finest,” she proudly says. Lena nods in acknowledgement.

“I’ve honestly never imagined being on a date in a science center,” she admits as Kara takes her hand and leads her inside.

“See, this is what I’m talking about. You’ve clearly only ever been taken to the same boring places,” Kara points out, throwing another bright smile her way. 

“How did you even know this place?” Lena asks as they enter. Kara hands their tickets to the lady up front.

“I may have asked around a bit,” Kara replies slyly before pulling her along excitedly.

By the time they are entering the second room Lena forgets about everything else as they run around watching and trying every interactive activity in there. She’s never laughed so much with anybody and before she realized it, they are heading into the last section, the Planetarium. It’s only at this point does she finally ask.

“How are we the only ones here?” she distractedly asks at Kara who shrugs and finally answers when Lena looks at her suspiciously.

“Maybe it’s because they only operate from 8 in the morning to six in the evening?” Kara supplies sheepishly.

“Hold on,” Lena stops abruptly, tugging at Kara’s arm and making her take a few steps back.

“Did you reserve the whole place for the night?”

She’s only met with a smile as Kara starts walking backwards, gently pulling her along.

“No,” Lena gasps, not needing a concrete answer as she looks at Kara’s face. Her best friend simply puts a finger to her own lips, hushing Lena as she pushes the door behind her.

They enter a large oval room with plush dark seats. It’s dark inside yet, as she gazes up above, the stunningly realistic projection of the stars illuminates the whole place. She looks at it with wonder. It has indeed been one of her dreams to sign up for NASA’s space program and then earn a license to go up in space. But with Luthor Corp about to be laid on top her shoulders, she has sadly had to postpone that dream for the meantime. Only Kara and Lex, of course, knew this. 

Before she even knows it, they are standing right at the center where a mat and a couple of throw pillows are laid. She doesn’t even realize that she’s still holding Kara’s hand until Kara squeezes hers, pulling her down to sit on the mat. Lena obliges and soon they are lying down side by side, staring up at the planets and counting shooting stars with Kara’s laid-back playlist streaming through the background.

“I can stay here forever,” Kara sighs. 

“Should we buy the same projector they used and install it on our apartment?” Lena seriously asks and Kara chuckles.

“How about you just buy us a rocket and fly us up there?” her best friend jokingly says.

Lena exhales loudly, “That’s going to take me at least five years before I could acquire a rocket. Seven, if I were to build one. Are you willing to wait?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Kara shrugs before asking, “Should I make you coffee while you work?”

“I’d also like a good back massage though,” Lena suggests.

“Okay. I’ll massage your legs too if you want,” Kara agrees, pausing for a moment before continuing. “Can’t wait to go on a space expedition with you. Are we going to go look for aliens?”

“Definitely. We could trade stuff and book an alien hotel. You do the translating.” Lena pitches in before they erupt in laughter, shoulders pressed closely as the space between them diminishes completely. Kara’s hand finds hers as she interlocks their fingers before resting their hands on top her stomach.

Lena has never been so confused in her life before. She’s always done things with certainty but with Kara it’s like being faced with so many closed doors and struggling to decide which to open first. She suddenly wonders if other friendships are like this and she’s just thinking too much into things. If it really is okay to act like lovers instead of friends sometimes. If there was like a line where she could see between the two. But if there was any certainty it would only be one thing.

What she feels for Kara will always be real.

If Lena thinks this pretend date is over and they’d just have the usual for dinner, then she’s mistaken because Kara isn’t finished surprising her yet. Soon she finds herself at the back of Kara’s bike yet again, cruising across the boulevard until they stop at the busy business center. Luthor Corp is just a couple of streets away and so is Lex’s condo unit but Lena was still unfamiliar with the city as she hadn’t exactly been visiting often. 

Kara, on the other hand, confidently leads her to one of the tall skyscrapers, greets the bellboy on the way to the elevator and presses their floor. Apparently, there’s a famous five-star restaurant in the building and as Kara stops at the front to give Lex’s name as their reservation, Lena curiously wants to know what kind of ridiculous deal her best friend had struck with her brother this time.

Interestingly, Lex and Kara have the same relationship Lena and Alex have. They butt heads sometimes especially when it comes to sports as they are both extremely competitive but at the end of the day it’s clear that it’s all in good sibling fun. They’d both deny this openly of course just as Alex would deny ever being fond of Lena.

“Please tell me, you haven’t made yourself my brother’s slave for a week or something,” Lena comments as they sit down a private spot overlooking the city and the bay. 

“Psh, he lost a bet that’s what,” Kara smirks smugly. “He’s getting rusty at golf with his grandpa limbs and his receding hairline.”

Lena laughs at that, “Don’t let him hear that. I don’t want another war breaking between our families.”

“But if a war does break, you’re with me right?” Kara asks, rather sincerely with the way she looks at her so, Lena gives her an answer that’s just as sincere.

“Always.”

They then proceed to give their order to the waiter with Lena forgoing her usual green leafy salad, under Kara’s prodding, “I’m not here to starve my date. Live a little, Lena!”

They eat and chat about anything and everything. It’s the most comfortable first date Lena’s ever had. She didn’t have to worry about her appearance, her words and her actions. It’s the most relaxed she’s ever been in as she lets Kara take care of her all throughout their date. Before it even ends, she knows Kara is right. 

It’s the best date she’ll ever have.

“Oh! Oh! I love this song!” Kara excitedly says between dessert before standing, much to Lena’s confusion. But when she offers her a hand she sighs, ready to decline. Dancing isn’t her strongest suit after all. Unfortunately, Kara doesn’t want to take no for an answer, putting out that damn puppy face that is powerful enough for Lena to give in. 

She’s pulled up out of her seat and is grateful that they are in a private spot. When Kara wraps her arm around her waist, all of her prior worries fly out the window. The only thing she hears is her heartbeat and the warmth exuding out of Kara’s body. They sway lightly to the music and Lena thinks that perhaps, what if something like this never happens again? Why waste the perfect opportunity? 

Emboldened with these thoughts, she holds Kara closer, leaning her head on her shoulder and closing her eyes, pretending that it is in this few minutes this is real. That Kara loves her back that same way Lena loves her. That as she feels Kara’s head lean softly against hers, this will last until she faces the end of this life.

When the song ends, so does the illusion and soon they are back to chatting and joking like they normally do. Kara takes her to the boulevard afterwards as they rent some electric scooters. Having never ridden one, Lena struggles for a while, with Kara patiently guiding her, until she gets it. It’s almost embarrassing how happy she feels just because of it, by the time she gets the hang of it she’s already thinking of buying two. It’s like she’s twelve again and time doesn’t really matter. After riding to and fro the boulevard stretch, they walk around hand in hand going around small shops nearby, buying bracelets with their initials carved on it. Becoming flustered at the compliment from the shop owner about how good they look together and even more so when Kara quickly agrees.

“We’re on a date,” Kara says before theatrically whispering loud enough for her to hear, “and it’s going really well. I like her a lot.”

“Are you going to propose to me on a plane to get VIP seats now?” Lena teases as they walk out the shop with a huge discount.

“Oh! Good idea! Want to get engaged in Spain?” Kara enthusiastically replies much to Lena’s disbelief, shaking her head as she replies.

“You’re seriously unbelievable.”

“Maybe I should propose to you in Hawaii and then we can spend our one year anniversary in Italy. Think of the freebies Lena.”

“I… can’t with you.”

“I’ll be a good wife to you.”

“Yeah and I’m going to make you eat more greens.”

“I’m going to make you exercise early in the morning and buy that cute waffle maker.”

“I want a divorce.”

“No! I cannot allow it,” Kara protests, pretending to be deeply hurt as she locks her arm around Lena’s. “Babe, please don’t leave me. Think about our son.”

“You can see Willbur Wallobby Luthor-Danvers in the weekend.”

“What in the—Our child’s name is a crime,” Kara breaks character, laughing and tearing up making Lena unable to hold her own laughter any longer. They play around like that until they finally reach the café Lena had been eyeing since they drove there. It’s already almost eleven in the evening but she’s craving iced coffee and Kara wants something sweet. 

This is also where the wheels of fate stir her into yet another unexpected door. They’ve just about given their order in the counter when Lena hears her name from behind.

“Lena,” a deep pleasant voice calls her attention as she turns around to see none other than Jack standing behind her with a smile, a book in hand as he always has.

“Jack!” she says, pleasantly surprised at this sudden encounter. “Late night coffee cravings too?”

“Ah yes!” Jack nods, “I just had dinner nearby and completely forgotten about time, reading the novel you recommended.” He explains, lifting one of Lena’s favorite books up.

“Would that mean that you admit defeat now?” she teases.

“Of course not, I found it absolutely boring and lacking substance,” he mockingly comments, a smile still playing in his lips.

She was about to counter when Kara suddenly steps forward, fingers wrapping around Lena’s wrist before sliding down her hand. “So you must be Bookshop Jack,” her best friend says, her smile gone now and her face unreadable yet Lena can feel Kara’s protective walls coming up.

“Bookshop Jack?” Jack chuckles lightly, a hand coming up to his nape, “Well, I do part-time work at a bookshop so I guess that’s quite… accurate.”

“I’m Kara Danvers, Lena’s wife. We’re actually on a date right now. Nice to meet you,” Kara says without missing a beat, now standing in between them confidently, her piercing gaze unwavering as she offers a hand towards him. 

Lena sighs at this, scratching at her forehead. Kara did have this habit of becoming too overprotective when it comes to her sometimes. So far, she’s smashed three paparazzi cameras over the past few years. All of which were becoming aggressively intrusive of Lena’s space and privacy. She defeated James in an intense high-stakes game of basketball, then there was that incident with Robert and that one time when she had a glare war with Andrea.

“Kara’s my best friend,” she clarifies, trying to pull Kara back after Jack winces at the strong handshake.

“She gets wary of the people I meet since…” she pauses for a bit, finally resigning to the fact that he’s going to find out anyway, “being a Luthor gets me into uncomfortable situations sometimes.”

“Luthor? You’re Lex’s little sister?” Jack quickly questions, the smile now growing back in his lips, looking relieved for some reason.

“We’re chess buddies! God, what a small world. I’m a Spheer! Jack Spheer. My family owns—“

“Spheer Industries?” Lena says in surprise.

“Yes!” Jack breathes out, “I totally get the wary part. I don’t really drop my last name often either. I had honestly been glad you didn’t ask the first time. But had I known that you…”

“Apparently share the same dilemma?” Lena finishes for him as he laughs. They look at each other for a while before Kara gets in between them yet again to grab some tissues and cream, their order already in her hands. 

“Uhm, so, see you at lunch tomorrow?” Jack says, a bit awkwardly, avoiding Kara’s hard stare.

“Right, Albert’s Café?”

“Yup! Can’t wait! Uh… and it was nice meeting you Kara,” Jack says, politely opening the door for them, Kara holding on to her hand yet again as she steps out. Her best friend nods with a tight smile, tugging at her hand as they part way with Jack.

“It’s really just lunch and Lex knows him,” Lena says after a few minutes of silence, lightly nudging Kara’s shoulder.

“Still doing a background check,” Kara says with a smile but it doesn’t seem to reach her eyes. It’s almost midnight and Lena thinks she must be tired so she brushes it off, knowing how genuinely concerned Kara was about her date choices.

In a few months, Lena would come to find that lunch with Jack is starting to turn into something else. That Kara would still be wary of him until Lena confesses to liking him. It would be a decision she didn’t take lightly knowing that perhaps this was the solution to finally get her heart to stop having feelings for her best friend. One day, Kara is going to find a new girlfriend and so before that could happen Lena resolves to end her impending misery by giving the safest man she’s ever met a chance. In another couple of weeks Jack would officially become her boyfriend. 

At the same time, Kara would agree to go to a party with her soccer teammates where she’d soon earn the playgirl reputation she’d carry all throughout college. Soon her best friend would be out attending parties and fool around almost every weeknight during soccer’s off season. 

Their routine would drastically change with Lena spending more time with Jack and Kara constantly going out, having fun elsewhere. That is, until Jack breaks up with Lena almost three years later, just a day after the New Year leaving her in tears.

Here, unknowingly, Lena opens another door.

* * *

**_Are you still up? I’ll be home in a couple of minutes._ **

****

**_Miss you too._ **

**_-Kara_ **

It’s the message that has Lena bolting up from Kara’s bed where she had been curled up for hours now, unable to sleep. The time reads five minutes past midnight. Lena wonders if Kara is coming from the after party or if she finds herself unable to sleep too. But truly what matters now is that Lena is finally getting a chance to talk to her best friend again. There are a million things she could say but at this moment she struggles to compose her thoughts. What more when Kara stands in front of her later?

Grabbing her coat, she leaves the room, snatching her keys as she heads out the door. Heart racing, she stares at the message as she steps in the elevator, fingers hovering over the letters. 

**_Yeah. I’ll be waiting._ **

****

**_-Lena_ **

And she does. Waiting outside because honestly, the only thing she could think about it getting to hug Kara again, if she’d let her. Sorry, that’s the word that circles in her mind and maybe it’s better to start with that. She can’t really think of anything else but that.

Sorry.

It isn’t really important who was wrong, Lena just needs to get it off her chest. All she really needs is her best friend. For things to just go back to the way they were. 

She paces back and forth in front of their building, staring at the lonely street, a few cars passing by every now and then. It’s a bit chilly but Lena doesn’t care. And as the minutes go by she gets more and more anxious. What if Kara was still hurt and angry? But she did say she missed her too. So, Lena tries to hold on to those words.

She checks her phone’s clock for the tenth time now, suddenly feeling nervous for no reason. Where was Kara coming from? Did they celebrate somewhere far? Because of she was in her art studio then it would only take her 20 minutes by motorbike. Less, at a time like this. It’s been almost an hour now.

Did she change her mind?

Lena was about to dial Kara’s number when her phone lights up, Kara’s smiling face greeting her. In less than a second, Lena answers.

“Kara?“

“Hello? Are you a relative of Kara Danvers? This is National City General Hospital…”

Lena doesn’t register anything clearly after that. Her legs feeling weak and her whole body starting to go numb. Her whole world seemingly turning upside down as she tries to even out her breathing. 

Without even thinking, she starts walking, footsteps picking up the pace. She feels like she’s on autopilot, which only happens when she’s under immense stress. Walking turns into running and soon she finds herself in the main road. She doesn’t exactly know how she got to the hospital but she did.

When she gives Kara’s name, it’s only then that it sinks in. The gravity of what happened. A multiple vehicle collision. A drunk driver had crashed onto a truck. He died on the spot. From then on it was like a domino effect as the truck crashed into another vehicle and unfortunately Kara had been swept in the middle of it. It seems bad but no one would tell Lena what the situation is as of the moment. Kara is in the emergency room right now, soon to be transferred to the operating room, and all Lena seems to be told again and again is to wait and to trust the medical experts. It’s starting to anger her, the only emotion left she can turn to. 

Alex was on her way to the hospital now while Kara’s parents, who were on their way back to Midvale, decided to cancel their flight and drive back from the airport. It just so happens that it’s Lena’s number on Kara’s speed dial and that’s why she was called first. When asked if she was family, her immediate answer is yes, easily filling up the paperwork.

“Can you please call Dr. Isaac Luthor,” she finally says, desperation seeping in as she heads back to the nurse’s station for what feels like the billionth time.

The nurse looks at her as if she was crazy. If Lena wasn’t panicking she’d think it’d make sense. Nobody just demands for the hospital’s CEO. “Dr. Luthor has already left early this evening—“

“Then at least, make sure to put the best surgeons in that room!”

“Miss, please know that we’re doing the best we can. Dr. Ryan is a great surgeon—”

“No, you don’t understand, this is a VIP patient and I want a more experienced doctor to attend to Miss Danvers,” she demands, not bothering to lower her voice as another nurse, probably the head nurse, jumps in to explain or, more likely, calm her down.

But Lena isn’t having it, all she sees is red right now and she doesn’t have time for further explanations. “Call Dr. Luthor. Now.”

The staff seems at a loss with her words, “Miss… I’m sorry, we can’t just call the Hospital’s CEO out of the blue—“

“He will come if you tell him that Lena Luthor is here.”

And just like that the air changes around her, stuttering words of apologies suddenly offered to her. Lena’s uncle is finally called and Kara instantly becomes a VIP patient, putting her first on the priority list.

When Alex finally arrives, it takes Lena one look at the older Danvers until she finally breaks. Alex didn’t even have to say anything as she embraces her tightly. Lena’s tears flow freely, sobbing as she crumbles into Alex’s arms.

“She’s going to be fine,” Alex whispers repeatedly and Lena prays that she’s right.

Because if she loses the most important person in her life right now, Lena would never forgive herself for failing at the one thing she promised she wouldn’t. Protecting Kara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably should start with an apology. . . for ending it like this on the season that's supposed to be the happiest'. I know how cruel this is. Please be patient. Also, I've miscalculated a bit. As you can tell this is a long ass chapter. The longest so far. This time it's for certain, Kara's mystery love will appear next year. The upcoming January chapter is something to look forward to. It's going to be THE chapter. I do promise that there will not be any death in this story. God, no. I'd rather never write than dive into tragedy (even though I'm using Van Gogh's letters, one of the most tragic artists we've ever had). We've had enough of tragedy. Anyway, hope you still enjoyed the chapter. Thank you for waiting. Advance Merry Christmas! Please stay safe and healthy!
> 
> Oh and I love all the comments. Thank YOU! Please give me more! lol. Think of it as an exchange gift. Yeah I'm embarrassingly desperate.


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